Konoha Blast (DISCONTINUED)
by Chuckling-Ghost
Summary: What do you do when you see a little kid being chased by an angry mob? Outrun the mob, grab the kid and make the mob eat dust while laughing hysterically of course! The problem is that when you're an S-Class missing-nin, and this happens in Konoha, the ANBU tend to notice...
1. Prologue

I personally blame my poor impulse control. When I saw the brat run by with an angry mob on his heels that cold rainy night, I couldn't resist. To say the mob went from angry to furious when I zoomed by them, grabbed the kid under my arm and shot off laughing, is a little bit of an understatement. I could still hear them shouting when the ANBU started running alongside me a few blocks later. I got very pale just then. I had not been expecting that. I skidded a turn into an alley and then ran right up to the rooftops. The ANBU followed me effortlessly.

The minute I stopped I was surrounded. I looked around with very wide and nervous eyes, "Evening. Um, if this is yours then why were you letting an angry mob chase him?" To say the ANBU didn't take that well would be another understatement. As I fell to the ground from the kick, my only thought was "I must the _stupidest_ missing-nin ever."

==Later==

I woke up in a very small room chained to a chair. I waited there for a long time wondering just exactly how I had gotten into this mess. Then the door opened and in walked a massive man in black. The huge man sat down across from me and gave me a look that would've made a tiger piss itself. The man dropped a folder on the table and I laughed nervously, that looked just thick enough to be _my_ folder…

The man didn't laugh, he just sat forward, "So. You're Deidara." I stopped mid-laugh, "Maybe? Is that good thing?" The man looked even less amused, "You're an S-Ranked missing-nin from Iwagakure. Do you have any idea the bounty on your head?" I gulped slightly, "I'd guess it's pretty high." "Sky high," the man corrected, "You're known as the Mad Bomber of Iwa." "OF COURSE I'M MAD!" I yelled, "NOBODY ACKNOWLEDGES THE BEAUTY OF MY ART! WHAT ARTIST WOULDN'T BE FREAKIN PISSED?! EVERYBODY'S A CRITIC!"

The man blinked and sat back, "Art?" I sighed, "Art is an explosion. A blast. The bright fleeting and thunderous beauty of a single instant." The man nodded, "I see. That's why you blow things up." I nodded, slightly wary, "It's an art form. _My_ art form." The man nodded, "Well then, that is very good to know. Were you planning to make any art here in Konoha like you did on your way out of Iwa?" I shook my head, "Didn't have any plans yet. Haven't seen any stages worthy of my art. Of course, I've only been here for a day or two, there's still time." The man thought for a few minutes, "I'm betting you like fireworks."

I glared at him, unsure of what he was getting at, "What if I do?" The man sat back, "That little boy you saved last night. He gets chased, attacked and mobbed wherever he goes. Because of that, he's never been able to go to the Founding Day fireworks show, and it's not something he can see from where he lives." My breath caught, "That is a crime greater than anything I've ever done." The man nodded, "I rather thought you might see it that way. So, I'll be back in a little while. You be considering the prospect of an apprentice." He stood and walked out and it wasn't until a few moments after he closed the door that it registered with me what he had said, "APPRENTICE?!"

I was still reeling from shock when he walked back in with the Hokage. My jaws, all four of them, dropped, then I snapped my traps shut and said, "So, you're the Hokage." The old man sat down across from me and with a completely straight face answered in the same tone, "So, you're Deidara." There was something about hearing my own joke used on me that made me crack up immediately. That old geezer Onoki hated it when I did that.

The Hokage smiled for a brief moment and then his seriousness returned as he waited for me to stop laughing. When I finished I met his gaze and asked, "So I'm guessing you're here to talk to me about joining Konoha and spilling all the beans I've got about Iwa." The Hokage nodded, "That is indeed part of the reason I am here, your skills would be very appreciated in Konoha provided you didn't cause too much destruction in house or bring harm to your teammates. However that is not the only reason I am here." I raised an inquisitive eyebrow and he continued, "I came to thank you for rescuing Naruto. I demoted half a dozen ANBU last night for letting that get as far out of hand as it did."

I sat back and my other eyebrow went up, it served them right I thought but still, who was this kid that he had half a dozen ANBU watching him? Then it hit me what color the kid's hair had been and I paled a little as a thought struck me. The Hokage laughed quietly, "I see you've figured it out. Congratulations, you're faster on the uptake than the vast majority of Konoha." My world was crashing down around my head, "That kid is the son of the Yellow Flash? _I saved the son of the most hated man in Iwa?!_ " The Hokage grinned slightly, "You see why we can't let you leave now."

My heart skipped a beat and I started trying to figure out my odds of escaping. The answer? About zero. I started sweating, "Um, can't let me _leave_ or can't let me _live?_ There's a very significant difference there!" The Hokage smiled in a very unsettling way, "Well that really depends on you. As you are a former Iwa nin, we can't trust you completely until after you've proven yourself trustworthy. After all, you could be a spy. The student of the Tsuchikage is hardly likely to have gone rogue," The old man took a drag on his pipe, "But everyone said that about my students as well, and Orochimaru is one of our two most wanted missing-nin. So for that reason I will give your status as a missing-nin the benefit of the doubt, and because of your actions last night, I will give your character the same benefit."

He raised an eyebrow, "On those grounds I will offer you a chance to join Konoha. You will always be scrutinized because of where you are from, but I will not hold your origins against you. However, should you give me even the slightest reason to believe you are a threat to this village, you will die swiftly and painfully." I gulped, "And if I refuse I'm dead anyway, right?" The old man smiled slightly, "That's right. As you said, he is the son of the most hated man in Iwa. We can't let his identity get out. If you choose to accept our offer and live as a Leaf shinobi, then we will place a number of seals on you so that you will not be able to divulge that information, in addition to placing a mental block on you so that you will not figure it out again. They will also shut down your entire chakra network in the event you attempt to act against the interests of Konoha," I grimaced, "And the seals will probably make me into a work of art if they're tampered with won't they?" The old man grinned, "You catch on quickly."

I sighed, stuck between a sharp drop-off and an inferno, "So what's in it for me besides not dying immediately?" "We will let you continue making art, teach students and take the lead in the construction of Konoha's new Demolitions Corps, _and_ we'll put you in charge of all fireworks displays," the Hokage replied bluntly. My heart did a little tap dance, he had me by the art. I gulped, "Alright, I'll do it on one condition." The Hokage nodded, "Go on." I took a deep breath and looked at the table, this was just too much to hope for, but I had to try, "I want to retain my free will and my own judgment, there's no point to art if the spirit isn't free to fly. I'd rather be dead than some mindless puppet. Also, there are some friends of mine back in Iwa who I don't really want to fight, so I'd like to be off the list of candidates for any missions that might bring me into contact with them." The Hokage nodded, "Very well. Good night Deidara, and welcome to Konoha." My head snapped up just in time for the genjutsu to knock me out.

==Three Days Later==

A few people had considered messing with the kid next to me happily slurping down his ramen, but they had gone away when I leveled my killing intent at them. My life now depended on keeping the old man happy, and even though I couldn't remember why, for some reason this kid was important to him. That meant the kid was now very much under my protection, and people who mess with things I'm protecting get an art lesson.

I looked over at him, "Hey kid, the fireworks are about to start." The kid's eyes snapped up towards the sky and as the first bursts of flame and color filled the sky I saw his eyes light up. I smiled, it reminded me of the way I must've looked the first time I saw fireworks. A thought struck me and I rolled it around in my head for a while. _The interrogation guy did say to consider an apprentice, and Onoki would be freakin PISSED…I'll run it by him…_ I managed to tear my eyes away from the beautifully colorful and for me quaint little show, "Hey kid, you want to learn how to make art like that?"

The kid's head snapped around so fast I thought he might give himself whiplash, " _YES."_ I grinned, "Wanna see a _real_ firework?" Naruto blinked and looked up at the explosions, then back at me, back at the fireworks and back at me. He nodded, wide-eyed. I grinned and pulled a little bit of my ready clay from my pouch. I quickly sculpted it into a bird, "Any particular color you want?" "Orange," The kid replied without a moment's hesitation. I grinned, "You're in luck, that's the default!" I quickly finished the bird and then grinned at him as I showed it to him, "You ready?"

Naruto nodded and the little bird took off, winging its way up to a safe altitude. When I judged it was high enough I grinned, "And 3…2…1…" I made the detonation sign, "KATSU!" My art filled the sky with orange flames that erupted away from the detonation point with glorious vigor and light and color and sound, bathing the whole village in a warm orange glow. It was totally worth having half a dozen ANBU suddenly sitting on me. Then the kid was bouncing up and down, "Teach me! Teach me!" I grinned from ear to ear, "You got it kid!" _Someone finally gets it!_

 **AN:** _This work is currently a one-shot. However if ten people follow, fav or review it, I will strongly consider writing more. If twenty people follow, fav, or review, then I will DEFINITELY write more. So if you want to see more of Deidara and Naruto as the first members of Konoha's Demolitions Corps, don't hesitate to say so!_

 _*UPDATE* The positive response for this story has been mind boggling, so fret not, Chapter 2 is approximately have done as I make this update at 4 in the morning. It may be a little while before I can finish and get it posted because I graduated college/university yesterday, and now I have to move and find a job. Don't worry though, just bear with me. Thank you all for the tremendous support, if I'd known Deidara was so popular I'd have written a story with him sooner._

 _ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEIDARA!**_


	2. Chapter 1: A Hard Promise to Keep

Chapter 1 – A Difficult Promise to Keep

==Two Weeks Later==

The kid grew on me quick after that. We wound up spending a lot of time together and it wasn't long before he started calling me Deidara-nii-san. I told him about my time in Iwa and some of my greatest masterpieces, and in return I learned about him. This led to me being sorely tempted to go back on my word to the Hokage and start making a LOT of art in Konoha. The people I had glared away the night of that first fireworks show were only the tip of the fuse.

The kid wanted to be a shinobi, and he was very eager to learn, but from what I could tell his teachers weren't just ignoring him. It looked to me like they were actively sabotaging and discouraging him. When he showed me his apartment I found a pile of papers on his table. Most of them were assignments he had failed. I sat down on the couch as one particular problem caught my eye. "Which of the following battles in the third world war was aimed at disabling a crucial Iwagakure supply line," I muttered, "That was the Kanabi Bridge Operation, the Yellow Flash and Kakashi the Copy-nin made it a work of art so we couldn't get foot soldiers and supplies into Waterfall country in time for the battle at Red Gulch. Took out half a platoon when the bridge went up." Then I moved the paper on top of it and saw that even though Naruto had it right, it was marked wrong.

I frowned and Naruto asked if I wanted something to drink. I said sure absentmindedly as I started reviewing the test and a moment later Naruto handed me a paper cup. I drank it without paying attention and then immediately spat it out. I set the cup and paper down and immediately started scrubbing my tongue with my hands trying to get the taste of sour milk out of my mouth. When I finally got enough of it off my tongue I yelled, "WHAT THE HELL NARUTO ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON ME?!" Naruto looked utterly dumbfounded and more than a little scared, "NO! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE MILK? I DRINK IT ALL THE TIME!"

I blinked in surprise and took a whiff of the cup. Now that I was paying attention, I didn't need the cup anywhere near my nose to tell it was far past sour. Upon closer examination I saw that there were little green specks in it and I looked at Naruto, _He can NOT be serious…_ I motioned him closer, "Naruto, can you smell this?" Naruto nodded, "Yeah it always smells like that after a day or two. Is it not supposed to?" "Naruto it has mold floating in it and it's so sour that it would make anyone who drank it horribly sick to their stomach. How long have you had this milk?" Naruto blinked in stunned confusion, "That explains why it always takes so long in the bathroom…"

I think I paled a little, _Oh kami, he's actually serious…_ "Naruto, where's the carton this milk came in?" "In the fridge, I'll go get it." He quickly brought it to me and I saw on the carton that it had expired over two weeks previously, "Naruto, do you see this up here where it says 'best by such and such day?'" Naruto nodded, "Yeah." "And do you know why it says that?" Naruto shook his head. "It says that because after that day this milk has gone bad and will make you sick."

Naruto's eyes bugged out, "But the people at the stores never give me a carton with a date after the day I get it!" My eye twitched, "Well that's changing starting just as soon as we get done going through all the food that's here and throwing away what's gone bad." Naruto watched wide-eyed as I went over to the little kitchenette and started going through the fridge. I don't want to describe what all was in there because it might make me hurl if I think too much about it, but the smell should've warned _anybody_ that none of it was fit for consumption, and the discolorations should've been double the warning. By the time I was half way done, we had started a new garbage bag as I learned that Naruto hadn't even known that food went bad eventually, didn't know that mold was bad for him, and didn't know that bad smell means don't eat. That promise to the Hokage to not blow up too much in Konoha was getting harder with every piece of spoiled food I threw out.

By the time we had finished, the entire place was devoid of any sort of food other than some sealed cup ramen. Now that I realized it was probably the only thing he ate regularly that _wasn't_ spoiled, I was starting to realize why he liked it. We then went grocery shopping and I actually did good. I only blew up two of the three of the stores we went to. I think Naruto suspected that those "faulty gas lines" were my doing, but one of the beauties of my art is that nobody can trace it back to me when I don't want to be traced. Of course, I would've torched the third one too if I hadn't had to stop once that one ANBU actually showed himself on the street corner looking right at me. We were done with our shopping by then anyway though. There would be time for revenge on that particular shop keeper later.

Once we got back to Naruto's apartment and got everything put up, I started checking the rest of the apartment and we went right back out to find some cleaning supplies. That bathroom was as bad as the contents of the fridge. We went back and cleaned everything up, and by the time we finished it was getting very late. I sent Naruto to shower and get to bed after fixing him some proper food. While he was in there I found a very great many little errors in grading like that first one as I went through Naruto's papers. I added whoever Naruto's teachers were to the list of people I was going to rip a new one and then possibly make art out of if they made me angry enough. _Gotta take that kid to get a check up too, living like this he's gotta have either the strongest immune system in the world, or he's asymptomatic and has the worst plagues Konoha's ever seen._

==Next Day==

I subtly scouted out the Academy, taking careful note of who Naruto's teachers were, making sure I knew which ones taught which class. An ANBU crept up the tree and crouched on the branch right next to me. I ignored how creepy those ANBU masks are when they're a few inches from your face, shushed him and went back to taking notes on the school life of the kid I had been stuck with taking care of. He didn't go anywhere, but then again I didn't expect him to. I handed him about half of the stack of papers I had brought from Naruto's table and pulled a pen out of my pocket, "Start circling the ones that are right but marked wrong. If you're gonna stay, you can at least be helpful about it."

The ANBU guy thought about it for a moment and then sat back against the trunk of the tree and started helping me with the papers. By the time the bell rang to signal the end of the school day he had finished almost half of the papers. He handed them back to me and I thanked him before hopping down out of the tree. I caught Naruto as he was almost to the gate, turned him around and steered him back inside, "Nope, hang on kid, we gotta have a word with some of these teachers of yours about your grades."

I steered him to the classroom of one of the only teachers that had actually been grading fairly and from what I could tell seemed to actually give a damn about him. The teacher looked up as I walked in with Naruto, "Hello." I waved as I steered Naruto to a seat in the front row, "Hey, got a little question about Naruto's grades." The guy sat forward with a pleasant smile, "You must be Deidara. Naruto's told us a lot about you. What can I help you with?" I extracted the stack of papers from the bag I had brought, "You're apparently the only teacher Naruto's had in this place who grades worth a damn."

I plopped the papers on his desk, "I'm sure Konoha teaches history a bit differently than Iwa, but I aced history at the Academy back home, and there's a lot in this pile that's marked wrong that I found to be right. I also got one of your ANBU to check it over, and they made quite a few corrections as well. We only made it through about half of these, but since you're actually a teacher, I thought I'd bring it to your attention."

The guy stared and then immediately started reading through the papers. He got rather pale and I could tell he was livid from his tight lipped glare at the paper and the way his hands were trembling. "I'll get right on it," he said tersely. I nodded, "Thanks. I've gotta get Naruto to a doctor for a check-up, but I'll be back tomorrow to know what you make of all this, Iruka right?" Iruka nodded, "Yes. Iruka Umino. See you tomorrow, I'll get these fixed."

I led Naruto out and towards the hospital. "Why do I have to go to the doctor?" Naruto asked, "I'm not sick." I looked down at him, "Kid you've been eating food that would probably hospitalize anybody else for I don't even know how long. We need to get a doctor to give you a looking over to make sure you're not sick and don't know it. A lot of diseases don't have obvious symptoms until you're dying from them." Naruto looked a little surprised, I guess he hadn't realized how very seriously bad that food thing was.

We got to the hospital fairly quickly and found out that the shopkeepers weren't the only ones who wouldn't give Naruto the time of day. A lot of the nurses and receptionists and other such people took one look at the little guy and pretended we weren't there. I was chanting _don't blow up the hospital, don't blow up the hospital, don't blow up the hospital,_ in my head as I went up to the receptionist's desk, "Excuse me, my young friend needs a check-up. I'm worried he's got food poisoning." The receptionist looked over the counter and down at Naruto, then back at me, "Do you have an appointment?" I ground out a "no" without exploding. "Come back when you have an appointment," the receptionist told me dismissively. Just as I was trying my very best to not lose my temper, the ANBU guy from earlier popped up next to me.

The receptionist jumped a little, and then plastered a big smile all over her face, "Oh, hello ANBU-sama! What can I do for you today?" "You can get this man and the boy with him an appointment immediately," The ANBU guy declared bluntly, "This man is an S-Class explosives expert with a notoriously short temper and a penchant for blowing things up when people make him angry. Do everyone here a favor and do not make him angry in the hospital." The receptionist was white as a sheet and her hand was shaking as she reached over for her microphone, "Will a doctor please report to the lobby? We have a patient in need of immediate assistance."

I shook the ANBU's hand, "Thanks buddy, that was about to get ugly." The guy nodded, "You're welcome. Thank you for not turning our hospital's lobby into an art gallery." I laughed, if nothing else, Konoha was better than Iwa simply because people recognized my art for what it was, "You got it my man." A doctor came bustling up and I nodded to him, "See ya around." The ANBU nodded and then disappeared.

The doctor didn't look happy about having to examine Naruto, but he performed his examination dutifully and told me that aside from needing to eat better, Naruto was in perfect health. When I looked skeptical he pulled me outside, "I've never seen you around before, I'm going to assume you're new to the village." I nodded cautiously, and he told me quietly, "Well that kid's been brought in by the ANBU and the police before, always beat up very badly. I've never seen the likes of his healing, kid's bones heal in a matter of days like they were never broken at all. I've never seen him actually sick. I don't know if it's a kekkai genkai or what, but shy of mortal wounds, as far as I can tell the boy's borderline immortal, and the way he heals, a good medic could probably save him from anything short of decapitation if they got to him soon enough."

My eyes widened slightly as he talked and I nodded, "That's incredibly lucky." "Why's that?" The doctor asked. "He's been living in an absolute hovel, if he weren't like you said he'd probably have died years ago just from his living conditions." The doctor looked at me, then nodded grimly, "That's unsurprising, for some reason everyone in the village seems to hate him. I don't know why, but my whole staff gets agitated whenever he's brought in. They seem to think he's a demon or some such. Personally I don't care if he is a demon, medic's oath says treat the wounded, and as far as I can tell the kid's just that, a kid."

I nodded, "Thank you. It's nice to know there's somebody in this village who's better than treating a little kid like crap." The doctor extended his hand and I shook it as he said, "Thank _you_ , it's about time someone started looking out for the kid properly."

==Next Day==

I almost felt bad for the kid with the hair like a pineapple when the other kids realized that Naruto's grades having been screwed up meant that pineapple head was the real dead last. Then pineapple head picked his head up off the desk, told them that quite frankly schoolwork and rankings were too much trouble to bother with and proceeded to lay his head back down and go to sleep. I almost fell out of my tree laughing.

I looked at the ANBU who had become my constant companion even when I couldn't see him (at least I was pretty sure it was the same guy every day. If they were switching up masks on me I might have been talking to a different person every time I lost track of the guy!) "Any idea who that kid is?" I asked. The ANBU nodded, "Shikamaru Nara. Heir to the Nara clan. Why?" "Because he's funny as hell!" I declared, "If he's got any potential at all, I want him in Demolitions." "His father is the Jonin Commander, a brilliant man, but extremely lazy," Mr. ANBU replied (I would've called him Mr. whatever animal was on his mask, but I couldn't tell what it was supposed to be), "It would be unsurprising if his son were cut from the same cloth, especially given the way his mother constantly complains that he's not applying himself."

I nodded, "I'll keep an eye on him, see if there's a genius lurking under the laziness. I still haven't gotten a definite answer on how many I'm going to be training. Any ideas?" "In Konoha it is common practice for a Jonin to take on three genin apprentices. If your Demolitions Corps project sticks to that, then I would expect you to pick out three students when a crop you like graduates. As these children are currently almost six years from graduation, you may be asked to take on a team of three before that. It will probably be soon if you are asked to take on a team before them, that way you will have time to get them up to Chunin so they can be independent operatives before this class graduates as I understand you have a particularly vested interest in having Naruto on your team." I blinked in surprise, "Well then I guess I'd better go start scouting the older classes for a team then, just in case."

Mr. ANBU nodded and motioned for me to follow him.


	3. Chapter 2: I'm sorry, WHAT?

Chapter 2 – I'm sorry, what?

==Six Months Later==

Not long after cleaning up Naruto's apartment I had somehow wound up moving into the apartment next to him. It was in an old abandoned part of town, so there was no rent, and there were also no neighbors to bother me, except Naruto who as I said had grown on me a lot and therefore gets on my nerves much less than most. That's probably what led to me moving in. I never got visitors, although I was certain Mr. ANBU followed us home every day after I picked Naruto up even when I couldn't see him.

Things had been going very smoothly, I had picked out half a dozen students who I thought had potential to be good artists and I was planning to approach them to see if they had an interest over the next week. I had just tucked Naruto in that particular Saturday night and gone to get ready for bed myself. I was rather annoyed when I heard a knock at the door, but I went to see who it was anyway. Surely nobody would disturb me at night if there wasn't a damn good reason.

I opened the door to find Mr. ANBU there. He didn't even wait for me to ask why he was there, "I need your help." I blinked, "With what?" Mr. ANBU reached up and pushed his mask up on top of his head revealing the older brother of that kid Naruto was always arguing with, "Itachi Uchiha right?" Itachi nodded, "Yes. Please, grab your arsenal, we have to move quickly. If we do not then Hidden Leaf may be gone by this time tomorrow night. If you ever wanted a chance to prove your loyalty to the Leaf Deidara-san, now is the time." A cold chill ran down my spine, _oh joy…_ "I take it I'm going to be making a lot of art tonight?" I called over my shoulder as I ran for my clay pouches. "Hopefully we can still avoid that," Itachi replied, "I have two allies meeting me and we are going to see about recruiting a third who may very well be able to turn the tide."

"Good so we're not alone," I said as I strapped on my explosives kits and opened my shirt to reveal the tattoo on my chest that became my extra mouth, "Mind telling me what's going on?" I asked as I put my hair up on my way to the door. Itachi looked at me with a sad light in his eyes, "The Uchiha Clan is planning a very ill considered coup." I stopped in my tracks and stared at him, "I'm sorry, _what?_ "

==Half an Hour Later==

We had met up with two more ANBU guys, one with dark wiry hair and one with silver hair that seemed to defy gravity despite his apparently not being nearly old enough for that. Now we were dashing towards the edge of the village, carefully skirting the Uchiha District. "You still haven't told us who we're going to meet," Mr. Silver declared mid-air. "A ghost," Itachi replied, "A very powerful one if he is who he says."

A few moments later we were at an old half buried and largely overgrown temple. A man with a lot of hair in an orange mask with black flames and one eye hole was waiting for us. As we landed he spoke, "You brought friends Itachi, I could've sworn I said to come alone." He turned and looked up at the moon, "I knew coming back here was a mistake." Itachi stepped forward and raised a hand, "Wait please, if you are truly my great-great-grandfather Madara, then tonight Konoha needs you more than ever." The rest of us stared as the man in the mask looked at Itachi, the unmistakable glow of a Sharingan burning through the eye of his mask, "How so?"

"The Uchiha Clan plans to stage a coup tomorrow night," Itachi told him, "We have tried every method of peaceful resolution but they will not be swayed. We must resort to force if they are to be stopped, the four of us could possibly do it, but with you we can avoid massacring our entire clan! PLEASE Lord Madara! We need you!" The man in the mask looked down, "I see."

Silver suddenly made a little choking sound, "You're not Madara." The man in the mask looked up and met Silver's eyes. Silver was actually shaking I noticed, whoever this guy was, he must've been bad news for an ANBU to be shaking. "If I take off my mask," Silver asked, "Will you take off yours?" The man in the mask considered it for a few moments and then looked up, "Take off the mask under the mask, and any masks you've got under that one! _Then_ I'll take mine off."

Itachi and Mr. Anbu-Number-2 stared as Silver reached up and pulled his mask off and I saw tears streaming down his face, "If you're anyone other than the owner of this eye," he said in a harsh whisper, "I'll kill you here and now for defiling his grave." Then he yanked down his mask to reveal the face beneath it. The man in the mask looked stunned even though I couldn't see his face, "You actually did it…" Then he stomped his foot angrily, "Dammit and she's not even here to collect on winning the bet!" He snatched his own mask off and I saw an Uchiha with a horribly scarred face and one eye.

Silver shook and looked like he was about to collapse, "Obito…you're alive…" Masked man, Obito? looked at the ground and said quietly, "Yeah. I'm the one who got the Mist nin off you that night after you passed out. I was too late to stop you." He shot Silver a glare and nearly growled, " _WHY? The one thing I asked of you Kakashi!_ " Silver, Kakashi?, went to his knees, sobbing as his voice cracked, "I'm so sorry Obito, she, she threw herself in front of it, I would never have hurt her. I've been haunted by her ghost every day since then, and yours too."

Suddenly light footsteps padded into the clearing and we all turned to look at the little girl as she walked in. Kakashi and Obito were almost immediately staring as the faintly glowing ghost of Rin Nohara tapped her foot at them impatiently. There was a long period of stunned silence and then the ghost asked, "Don't you guys have a village to save? You can beat yourselves and each other up later. Now get moving before I tell sensei." She dissolved in a swirl of leaves and we all stared at the spot where she had been for a moment until I cleared my throat, "She does have a point guys. Can we save the, whatever's going on between you two until later? I just moved to Konoha, I'd like to keep it around a bit longer."

Everyone looked at me. Then Kakashi and Obito swapped a glance and a look of understanding passed between them. Obito looked at Itachi, "I'm here I might as well help. I wasn't planning to stay, but I guess I have been away too long. Let's talk strategy."

==An Hour Later==

It's always satisfying to ride on the head of my C2 Dragon as it flies or in this case stomps around. Everything looks so small and picturesque from up high. Even my teammates dragging and teleporting people out of their houses to throw people into the ring of exploding animated clay lions I had made.

In a matter of moments, the entire Uchiha clan had been rounded up. Kakashi, Obito and our third teammate who I had learned was called Shisui, reappeared on top of the heads of their own dragon techniques, one water, one earth and one wood (which was really weird since I thought that had been exclusively the First Hokage's thing). Itachi stood balanced on one foot atop of a stack of extra precariously balanced chairs, the show off.

His voice carried clearly to his clansmen, "Now then, I'm going to say this nicely one more time, and then if I have to repeat myself, I'll give Deidara the go ahead to blast the entire Uchiha District into a smoking crater in the ground. WE ARE _NOT_ STAGING A COUP. Yes the village suspects one of us of being behind the Kyubi Incident because of Madara's ability to control the beast, but what have we done to dissuade them?! All any of you have done is isolate yourselves, act high and mighty and give the village every reason not to trust you! FOR WHAT? A clan that would plot against its village and Kage has no honor to defend! If you wish to allay their suspicions and doubts then you should be working to make friends in the village! What point is there in being feared if our allies are the ones who fear us the most?! We should strive to be loved!"

There was a long stretch of silence and then a voice called, "You are naïve boy, and a traitor to your clan." The crowd of Uchiha spread away from the man who had spoken, a man who was looking up at Itachi with a firm and disappointed look in his eyes, the same one the old geezer had had when we fought over Iwa I thought with a slight flinch. "No father," Itachi replied in a voice that was quiet but carried nevertheless, "I have not betrayed our clan. I am trying to save it, and our village as well." "And you think making us continue to bear the position which is beneath us is saving us?!" Itachi's father barked, "Madara was meant to be the first Hokage, and yet those fool villagers gave it to Hashirama Senju! Madara's most hated rival!"

Obito whistled from the top of his wood dragon and drew everyone's attention, "I don't know how many of you recognize me," he called down, "But I spent a few years with the old man while he waited for death as thanks for saving my life." He hopped off and teleported into the middle of the Uchiha, "And he would be ashamed of each and every one of you for plotting against Konoha." There was a ripple of shocked murmurs as people recognized him on closer inspection.

Itachi's father paled slightly, "Obito? We thought you were dead…" Obito shrugged nonchalantly, "Unsurprising given the lengths I've gone to in order to keep it that way so I could mourn the death of the person I fought for in peace." His eye locked onto Itachi's father's, "Madara survived the fight at the Valley of the End using a forbidden jutsu to heal himself. He was alive until about ten years ago. I stayed with him right up to the end, and I knew him better than anyone alive today. He had his differences with the First, but he never begrudged him the position. He was perfectly content running Root."

There was a ripple of confusion at the name, and I was scratching my head a little too, what was Root? Obito went on, "I hear a few things have changed about Root, and I intend to change them now that I've returned so that the old man can rest in peace. One thing that hasn't changed though, is that Root will crush you all if you keep on this path." There was a worried ripple of murmuring and then Obito corrected himself, "No, strike that, _I'LL_ crush you all if you don't get off this path right now."

That seemed to strike a nasty chord with the Uchiha as a great many of them tensed. Itachi's father stepped forward and hissed, "You dare threaten your own clan?" Obito's eye widened, reality seemed to warp a little, and suddenly Itachi's father was gone. There was a stunned silence and then Obito declared quietly, "Anyone who would plot against Konoha is no family of mine, and if the old man were here, he'd say the same." He glared around, "Anyone else?" There were a lot of mute headshakes and Obito grinned, "Good. Now is there going to be a coup?" There were a lot of very fervent head shakes. Obito grinned, "Now then since I just beat the clan head in one-on-one combat over the leadership of clan, if I recall right, clan law says I'm the new clan head!"

There was a round of shocked silence and everyone stared then I saw Itachi and Shisui nodding.

==The Next Morning==

When Itachi finished his report about what had gone down the night before, Lord Hokage looked like he was trying his very hardest to either not lose his temper or start laughing as I stood in front of his desk alongside Shisui, Itachi, Obito and Kakashi. "So in the end there was a change in clan leadership and the threat of being turned into art by Deidara or just outright killed by five S-Ranked shinobi was enough to quash the fight out of the rebellious faction, with no casualties on any side."

Once we had gotten out of the Uchiha District with several that Itachi and Shisui had pointed out as being the worst agitators manacled and in tow, Obito revealed that he had sealed Itachi's father into a pocket dimension where he could be kept indefinitely if needed, so he was alive and all ready for delivery to a nice uncomfy jail cell. Lord Hokage sighed through his nose, and then he smiled and took a drag of his pipe, "Heh." He sat back looking for all the world like a smug cat, "So, is there anything I can do for you five to repay you for your fine work? Regular mission pay hardly seems enough to express my gratitude."

Shisui raised a hand and pointed at his eye, "Can I kill Danzo and take my eye back?" Obito's hand shot up, "I want control of Root when he's done!" Kakashi shrugged, "A copy of Icha Icha signed by Lord Jiraiya would be nice." "I would like to retire from ANBU so I can spend more time with my little brother," Itachi said blandly. I was searching the pockets of my shirt and a moment later I found what I was looking for, "Aha!" I extracted the list from my pocket and laid it on Lord Hokage's desk, "I'd like permission to offer places to these six Academy students as the first trainees of Konoha's Demolitions Corps and to be their Jonin Instructor after they graduate if at all possible. I'll still train Naruto of course, but I hear I'll probably need to take on a genin team before Naruto graduates in six years." Lord Hokage thought about it for a few moments.

Then he sat forward, "Well of course, I cannot sanction Shisui's request, but I didn't really hear it either, I can't say I know anything about what it was, and Danzo's health has been in decline recently. I also can't officially grant Obito's request since Root was _officially_ disbanded years ago, but then again Obito is _officially_ dead, so I suppose if a ghost wants to run a ghost organization that can only make sense. Itachi, you are hereby honorably decommissioned from ANBU and will resume duties as a normal Jonin. We'll have paperwork ready for you this afternoon. Kakashi, I'll get a hold of Jiraiya and have him send you signed copies of every book he's ever written. Deidara, permission to begin recruiting to the Demolitions Corps granted. Again, thank you all."

All five of us started grinning.

 **AN:** _Yes, Mr. ANBU was actually Itachi. Since Itachi knew that Deidara would probably be hanging around the Academy to keep an eye on Naruto, Itachi volunteered for the "watch Deidara" mission so he could be there for Sasuke even if Sasuke didn't realize it._

 _Yes I know, that was a very fast and painless way to handle the massacre. However I do not agree with how that was handled in canon. Trusting one man, even Itachi Uchiha, to take out his entire clan alone is stupid, especially when it's a big clan jam packed full of bad asses. So, Itachi got some back up._

 _Yes Shisui is still alive because I think it was quite dumb of him to commit suicide when having his eye stolen like that would've given him all the leverage he needed to unearth Root and have Danzo strung up and hung out to dry._

 _Yes Madara is really and truly dead, and he is NOT coming back. This is because of all the things I have a problem with in canon, Madara Uchiha being the ultimate big bad, man behind the curtain, whatever, is the thing I have the MOST problem with because it makes absolutely no sense for one of the guys that FOUNDED Konoha to want to flatten it, or for the patriarch of the Uchiha clan to be the one who wanted them all dead. Madara founding Root on the other hand, that makes sense because Root fits Madara's ideologies and style a lot more than Konoha in general._

 _Yes, Obito came back. Obito has been staying in hiding for years because he was keeping Madara company and learning from him until Madara finally passed on of old age a few years before this story started. He put his return off a bit longer because he had to really steel himself to come back and face Rin and Minato's graves. No, Obito was not the one responsible for the Kyuubi's rampage and would've helped stop it if he had been there. Yes he has Wood Release because Madara still had the means to give it to him. Whether that was still Zetsu or not, I'm not telling. (yet)_

 _Yes Obito is now the Uchiha Clan Head. Why? Because it's fun and I haven't done it yet. Yes he will also be taking charge of Root because it was Madara's and Obito wants to make sure his surrogate grandfather's legacy is done justice._

 _If you think Rin's ghost showing up to light a fire under Obito and Kakashi's butts is a little too convenient, then let me just point out that Shisui is even more of a badass than Itachi with genjutsu. If you don't, then just enjoy what a sweet moment it was. The bet Obito is referring to was between him, Rin and Guy. Obito bet Kakashi had buck teeth or big lips, Guy bet he was hiding some sort of scar and Rin bet there was nothing wrong with him._

 _Yes Deidara and Obito did the thing they did in their canon fight with Sasuke to seed the entire Uchiha District with enough explosives to turn the Uchiha District into a giant smoking crater should the need arise. It was a calculated risk and Deidara will call them back out to the surface if he's asked to._

 _Yes Itachi, Shisui, Kakashi, Obito and Deidara are now the Third Hokage's "go-to" guys for impossible stuff, so expect lots of fun. Expect OC's too, because there will be some when Deidara starts recruiting, and Itachi might be having to take a genin team soon as well. Rivals anyone? If you think so, leave a review!_


	4. Chapter 3: Demolition Corps Squad 1

Chapter 3 – Demolitions Corps Squad 1

It's nothing short of baffling how fast word gets out and travels. You'd think the Uchiha would've been keeping quiet about having their asses handed to them even when the guys they doing the handing were outnumbered at least twenty to one. Instead I was suddenly the object of much respect in Konoha, somehow everyone knew me on sight, and when I went to the Academy to request permission to teach for a few days to the Academy's senior class on the grounds of wanting to find a potential genin team, they were falling all over themselves to have me work with their class.

So I found myself in front of the class I had been watching as their instructor introduced me, "Class, this week we are having a special guest lecturer. His name is Deidara and he is a Jonin here to teach you about a topic in which he is an S-Rank specialist, so I expect you to give him your undivided attention. Deidara-san, they're all yours." I grinned, "Thank you Kenma-san."

I turned to the class, "Alright, now that Kenma has told you who I am, I'll tell you a little more about what I do and what this lecture is about. I am a demolitions specialist. When the village needs something wiped off the face of the earth, like an enemy fortification for example, they call me. This leads me to the main points of my lecture, which I call the Four A's: Appraisal, Architecture, Arson and my personal favorite," I paused with a grin for dramatic effect, " _Art_."

My grin widened as nearly the entire class stared and the six I had picked out as possible students looked up with interest.

By the end of the day, I had selected my team.

==Three Months Later==

I brought my new genin team to the roof of the apartment building where Naruto and I lived, "So, before we begin, any questions right off the bat?" Zephyr, a kid with wiry dark purple hair and gray eyes, raised his hand. I pointed to him and he asked, "Sensei, why is there a kid?" as he gestured to a happy Naruto sitting next to him in the circle of boxes we had formed on the roof top with my other students, a pretty girl with maroon eyes, shoulder length dark blue hair and a tan kimono and skirt, and our team's apparent resident lazy ass sitting on the ground in front of his box using it as a chair back as he watched us with a bored expression under his prematurely gray hair.

I smiled, "Team, this is Naruto. He's kinda like a little brother to me. The only reason he's not on this genin team is because he won't graduate for at least another four years, and that's if he graduates early. When he does graduate I intend to be his team's instructor, which means I intend to have all three of you up to Chunin level within that time. Any complaints about that?"

"No, but what if we're not ready in time?" Zephyr asked. I raised an eyebrow, "The only way you will be allowed to _not_ be ready by then is if you're _dead_. How's that?" Zephyr and his new teammates looked slightly taken aback and Zephyr was slightly pale as he nodded, "Sounds good." I grinned, "Good. Now then, I guess it's time for introductions. I know I introduced myself a few months ago when I gave that presentation to your class, but I didn't really say much. So…"

I crossed my arms with an amiable smile, "To start with, I've only been a Leaf nin myself for a couple of months. Before I came here, I was a Stone nin and the apprentice of the Third Tsuchikage, as well as a member of the Explosion Corps." I looked off towards the north and my grin faded as I wondered how those few I cared about back in Iwa were handling my defection. I sighed and turned back to my students, "That didn't work out, so I drifted for a little while after I left Iwagakure and wound up here. I got caught saving Naruto's hide from an angry mob, and when I woke up the Hokage made me an offer I couldn't refuse."

If I hadn't had it before, I definitely had their undivided attention now as I continued, "That's why you three are here to be my first genin team. You three will be the first members of Konoha's new Demolitions Corps alongside myself and Naruto, congratulations. I picked each of you for a specific reason. Now I want you to introduce yourselves and try to guess why I picked each of you." I pointed to Zephyr, "You first."

Zephyr nodded, "I'm Zephyr and you probably picked me because…" he thought for a few moments, "I'm very inventive and I like blast tags." Deidara nodded, "Right. The arts of destruction and combat require creativity and intelligent application. Any dumbass can learn a technique or wield a kekkai genkai, but if they get stuck in a rut of how to use it, they can easily lose to a more intelligent or creative opponent. That creativity is something we'll emphasize in your training. Next?"

The girl, Ain Uchiha, had actually been pointed out to me by Itachi, and now she raised her hand politely. I gestured for her to continue and she said with a smile, "You most likely chose me because I have two kekkai genkai, the Sharingan and Lava Release, but if you have information about our personalities, then you might have also chosen me for my pyromania and sadistic tendencies which would indicate that I will take a great deal of pleasure in learning to blast things to kingdom come." I blinked, "Actually Itachi Uchiha recommended you to me, he's a friend of mine so I took his word for it. Now I see he was right. You'll fit right in." Ain smiled brightly and then I turned to my last student who I found clicking a lighter at his cigarette.

I blinked and then a twitchy grin stretched across my face as I tried to resist the urge to smack him, "Shiro, you do realize that you can't smoke around flammable explosives right?" Shiro Sarutobi who was probably actually a little too young to be smoking finally lit his cigarette and sat back with a shrug, "Do we have any flammable explosives nearby?" I admitted that we didn't and he smiled slightly, "Then I see no reason to not smoke right now. As for my name and why you chose me, I am Shiro Sarutobi and my family's Smoke Release will allow me to survive any mistakes I make with explosives as well as run what would be suicide attacks for anyone else once I get our Smoke Body technique down. Smoke Release also has numerous techniques which are very difficult to suppress for anyone except a wind user and result in explosions. Another reason might be that I'm the great-nephew of the Hokage, but more likely is the fact that I am, as Zephyr puts it, an overly analytical smartass, to which I reply that it is better to be a smartass than a dumbass and he has yet to find a good comeback to that."

I grinned, this was gonna be a fun team. I nodded and pointed to Naruto, "Naruto, you're up." Naruto blinked, "Um, ok, um…I'm Naruto Uzumaki. You chose me to be here because you're like a big brother to me and we both like explosions." I nodded, "Right. So, now that we've introduced ourselves, it's time for our first test of your skills. As you can see, we're in the abandoned district of Konoha, and I've gotten permission from the Hokage to use this area as practice. So, we're going to go for a little stroll and I want each of you to pick a building and turn it into a pile of rubble anyway you can. The only building you can't choose is this one because this is where I live."

So down to street level we went and before long we had our first practice building. Ain went first, she seemed extremely eager to set something on fire I noticed. She picked a rundown two story grocery store, "Sensei! Can I do this one?" I nodded, "But before you do, we need to know how far to back up. One of the most crucial aspects of being a demolitions expert on a team is being able to tell your team the minimum safe distance from your work."

Ain looked at the building and then at us, back at the building, and then she walked across the street, "Right about here should be safe." We walked over to the spot she indicated and she walked back over to the store front. I heard a delighted giggle and then Ain hit a knee and slammed her palm against the ground. A line of pavement between her and the storefront suddenly turned molten. A moment later the building was on fire. Ain sat down cross legged and watched it burn, utterly enraptured by the flames. I resolved to help her learn how to accelerate the destructive applications of her techniques, but I was very impressed by her control over her kekkai genkai anyway.

We went to move on and she just kept sitting there enjoying her work. Zephyr looked at me, "Should we do something?" I shook my head, "She's an artist admiring what may very well be one of her first great works. Let her enjoy it. She probably won't move until the fire's done." Zephyr nodded, and then he stopped me as we were walking off, "Sensei, can I do this building? I don't feel right just leaving Ain behind." I blinked and noticed the way he was looking at her, like she was a work of art he was loathe to take his eyes off of. The boy definitely had a massive crush on her. I smiled, "Of course. We'll wait here and try to get her to look when you're ready."

Shiro sighed and pointed to a building at the end of the street where the road made a T, "I'll hit that one." I nodded, "very good. Wait until Zephyr finishes though, I want to watch how each of you go about it to make sure you don't get hurt." Shiro sat down and watched Zephyr head into the old boarded up building. A little while later Zephyr came back out, "Ok sensei! I've got it all ready!" I nodded, "Lemme check."

I almost crapped myself when I saw what Zephyr had done. He had painted a massive sixty second detonation seal onto one of the walls. It was primed and ready to detonate. He noticed my expression, "What?" My eye twitched slightly, "Go get the others, it's time for lesson number one, and whatever you do, do _not_ activate that seal." A few moments later my team was standing before me, Ain looking very displeased to have been dragged away from her fire.

I gestured to the seal, "This team, is a detonation seal. A very good one with a one minute detonation time. This is exactly the same as a great many blast tags. Can anyone tell me why this is dangerous?" They all shook their heads, so I explained, "The way detonation seals like the ones on blast tags work is by altering the expansion rate of the material they are drawn on. The more chakra is put into the seal, the greater the expansion rate. Now then, because paper burns relatively quickly and easily, it doesn't take much to increase the speed of expansion and the combustion speed doesn't have to be increased by very much. However, this also means it has a comparatively low payload of power. The harder something is to burn, the more difficult it is to increase the expansion and combustion rates and ignite it, but it will also be much more destructive because the slower but equally hot burn will generate much more energy than the quick burn. So if you draw a detonation seal on say, a piece of wood that would normally burn a hundred times slower than a paper tag of similar size, then you would get an explosion a hundred times stronger. So what happens when you put a detonation seal on a wall?"

All four of my students paled as they tried to do the math and realized that even if they didn't know the exact calculations, that was a terrifyingly powerful bomb. Zephyr in particular was mortified that he had made such a powerful explosive by mistake. I nodded, "Exactly. This seal is strong enough to level not just this building, but probably half the village. You could flatten a fortress with this if you had the chakra to set it off. As is though, Zephyr hasn't got nearly enough to power this seal on this medium. _I_ could set it off, probably, but even I would be exhausted and there are far easier and more chakra efficient ways. A genin would die of chakra exhaustion trying to set this particular seal off."

Zephyr was looking very down on himself so I grinned, "Hey don't look so glum! Everyone makes mistakes, and you've got me here to keep this one from blasting you to oblivion. That's why we train, so we make mistakes in a safe environment and not on the battlefield. It's actually extremely impressive that you managed to memorize the detonation seal that thoroughly before you even left the Academy. Tells me I chose well." Zephyr perked up slightly at that and I continued, "Now then, I'm going to get rid of this seal so that nobody can ever set it off, and then I'll show you a little sample of my art."

They nodded, slightly curious as I could tell they didn't quite understand what I meant by art. I quickly pulled out a kunai and drug it through the center of the seal twice, making a big X through it and rendering it quite useless as many of the constituent kanji were disrupted. "Remember kids, if you ever need to stop a seal, just deface it. If your opponent throws kunai at you with a blasting tag tied to the end of it, you can tear it in half and stop it cold if you have to. It's risky and dangerous, don't even try it except as a last resort, but if you have to and there's no other way, it beats the hell out of getting blown to smithereens."

We went outside and I fished a lump of clay from my pocket. I held up to my chest tattoo as it became a mouth much to the surprise and unsettling of my students. The mouth munched the clay right up and a moment later the tattoo on my right hand opened up and spat out the now chakra infused clay which would react to my mental commands. I quickly fashioned it into a mouse and showed it to my students, "Cute no?" They nodded, slightly confused and I set it down, sending it scurrying into the building, "We should back up now." When we were a safe distance away I grinned and raised my hand in the appropriate sign, "And now, _Katsu!_ "

The building exploded quite spectacularly. My students stared in awe, "Your mouse did that?!" Zephyr exclaimed. I grinned, "Yep. You should see my C2 Dragon." Ain looked at me in surprise, "That massive white dragon you were riding the night of the Uchiha Incident?" I grinned, "Oh yeah, forgot you were an Uchiha. Yeah, that was my dragon. I only use it for the really important missions because of how much chakra it takes, but it's one of my favorite techniques." If I hadn't had my students respect before, I definitely had it now that they learned I could make a dragon.

Before they could get too star struck, I looked at Shiro with a smile, "And now it's your turn to show us some art." Shiro sighed and set a shuriken on the ground next to us before heading down to the building he had selected. He flashed through a couple of hand signs and then, "Hiding in Ash Jutsu!" He suddenly blew a massive cloud of what looked like smoke into the building. Then he turned half away from it and flicked his almost burned out cigarette into the edges of the cloud. Even as the cloud was igniting in what I had to admit was a spectacular explosion, Shiro used a Substitution with the shuriken he'd set on the ground to get out of the blast range. Shiro fished out another cigarette and lit it before looking at me, "Good enough?"

I grinned, "Good enough. Let's start training. Welcome to the Konoha Demolitions Corps."

 **AN:** _Yes, Deidara gets a genin team of OC's._

 _I didn't give the exact measurements on the energy conversions for the massive detonation seal Zephyr drew because I honestly haven't a clue how to do them, but I figure that if a paper bomb can easily generate a blast with a 5 meter plus radius, then a wall, which would have an exponentially greater mass even without considering the difference in material, would be probably enough to level a city if detonated in the same manner._

 _I'm starting a poll, it'll be on my profile page. I'll leave it open for two weeks, and the first and second runners up will be their second and third mission._

 _Where should the Demolition Corps' first big mission take them, and should anything go wrong?_

 _Land of Rice Paddies, everything goes smoothly_

 _Land of Rice Paddies, everything goes to hell in a handbasket_

 _Land of Wind, everything goes smoothly_

 _Land of Wind, everything goes to hell in a handbasket_

 _Land of Waterfalls, amount of trouble to be decided by the author_

 _Stay in the Land of Fire, no trouble_

 _Stay in Land of Fire, some trouble_

 _Stay in Land of Fire, all hell breaks loose_

 _Land of Water, shenanigans ensue_


	5. IntermissionChapter1:The Results Are In!

_Lord Hokage,_

 _I have recently caught wind of your acquisition of a new shinobi, one particularly skilled in mass destruction. I understand men like him are usually quite bored when there's not a war on. I'd like him to organize a little party and I will of course be more than willing to pay for the balloons, cake, and confetti. There is information on the people who he will be throwing the party for as well as the ideal location for the festivities included with this letter. I would very much appreciate your loaning him to me for this little blow-_ _up_ _out. I will of course pay for everyone who attends this as their final going away party._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Yagura, Yondaime Mizukage_

Hiruzen read the Mizukage's letter and checked the information included, "Looks like Hidden Mist is on the verge of another civil war." Then he started tallying up the bounties of the stack of missing nin and his eyebrows rose. He poked the intercom, "Someone get me Deidara. I've got a job for him that I think he's going to enjoy."

 **AN:** _That's right folks! The polls are in! The final results are…_

1

 **I)Land of Water, shenanigans ensue**

9 21%

2

E)Land of Waterfalls, amount of trouble to be decided by the author

7 17%

3

H)Stay in Land of Fire, all hell breaks loose

5 12%

4

C)Land of Wind, everything goes smoothly

4 9%

5

D)Land of Wind, everything goes to hell in a handbasket

4 9%

6

G)Stay in Land of Fire, some trouble

4 9%

7

B)Land of Rice Paddies, everything goes to hell in a handbasket

3 7%

8

F)Stay in the Land of Fire, no trouble

3 7%

9

A)Land of Rice Paddies, everything goes smoothly

2 4%

 _So the Demolition Corps first big mission is to the Land of Water where shenanigans will ensue! I've already begun formulating the shenanigans and this is going to be one hell of a party!_

 _Their second mission will be to the Land of Waterfalls, and yes, I'm sure everyone who cares about the Land of Waterfalls can guess immediately who is going to show up._

 _The third mission will be staying in the Land of Fire and all hell's gonna break loose._

 **Now then, welcome…TO INTERMISSION PROMOTIONALS! YAAAAAY! (waves hands in the air like a certain frog)**

 **Today we have selections from three of my other Naruto stories, as well as my one and only Fairy Tail story. We'll start with the Naruto ones.**

 **Shooting Straight:** An AU where at the suggestion of his "therapist" after the bell test, Kakashi refuses to train Squad 7 until they sort out their personal issues. This is the result. Pairings undecided. Possible rating change to M. Pseudo-yaoi possible (does Sexy Jutsu count since Naruto's physically turning into a girl?). Eventual smart Naruto, not-emo Sasuke, and quickly de-fan-girled Sakura. _(Mostly a lighthearted and fun fic, but will definitely delve into the psychological meat and darker aspects of the characters. Currently on Chapter 12.)_

==The Next Morning==

After Kakashi got away from his "therapy", he made his way to the training ground where he was set to meet his students. They were already there waiting for him and rather irate at his tardiness. Kakashi calmly sat down on the grass without saying a word. They didn't sit down until he told them to and he sighed, so much for initiative.

Once they were all seated, he started, "Before we can begin training your jutsu, we need to first resolve all your personal issues." "PERSONAL ISSUES?!" Naruto exclaimed as he crossed his arms angrily, "WHAT PERSONAL ISS-OW!" "QUIET DOWN AND LISTEN TO SENSEI YOU IDIOT!" Sakura barked as Naruto sheepishly rubbed his head and Sasuke vented the sigh of exasperation Kakashi was trying to hold back. "Those issues for example," Kakashi declared.

All three genin looked at him in surprise. "What do you mean sensei?" Sakura asked curiously, "Did we do something wrong?" Kakashi sighed, oh this was going to be such a long day, "Sakura, you just smacked your teammate in the head as hard as you could, and Naruto, you do realize that shinobi are supposed to be _quiet_ right?" Sakura blanched slightly, Naruto crossed his arms with a _hmm…_ and Sasuke snorted with a grin in his head. Kakashi crossed his arms, closed his eyes and sighed, "Quite frankly you all annoy the hell out of me, and at the rate you're going now you'll never be Chunin, which means I'll never get you out of my hair." All three flinched and Kakashi opened his eye to turn a cool gaze on them, "Which is why I'm not teaching you anything about any sort of jutsu until we work out your personal problems. So, who wants to go first?"

"I STILL DON'T SEE WHAT PROBLEMS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT," Naruto said loudly. Kakashi wondered if Naruto's voice even _did_ quiet as he turned to the bright orange clad genin, "Ok Naruto, we'll start with you. Your dream is to be Hokage. Why?" Naruto blinked in surprise, "So that everyone'll respect me of course!" "And where did this desire for respect come from?" Naruto blinked as he blanked, "Uh…"

"Would it possibly have anything to do with the fact that you're an orphan who has very rarely had anyone to acknowledge you in a positive way, but almost always had people kicking you out of shops, yelling at you, whispering about you behind your back, insulting you, keeping their children away from you, occasionally getting drunk and gathering into mobs to chase you through town and beating you senseless if they caught you, and tricking you into spending what little money you had on buying a bright orange jumpsuit that makes it easy for those mobs to find you and makes everyone think you're an incompetent idiot for being a ninja who wears orange because they don't know that's the only pair of pants you have?" There was a long stunned silence after that. Sakura and Sasuke were staring at Naruto and Naruto was shocked beyond words. It was the first time any of them had ever seen Naruto actually being _quiet_. "That's why that shop owner gave me this jumpsuit?" Naruto asked in a quavering voice.

"Can you think of any other shinobi that wears orange? Anyone at all who wears orange?" Kakashi asked quietly. Naruto's world was crashing down on his head like a tsunami, and it was visible. He was pale, his mouth hanging open and he was wide eyed with shock and trembling with horror. Naruto looked down at the bright orange jumpsuit he loved so much and tried to think of some reason, some way that Kakashi might be wrong. The more he thought about it though, the more it made a hideous amount of sense. Kakashi had something of a soft look in his eye as he reached over and patted Naruto on the head, "We'll go get you some proper shinobi clothes this afternoon, kay Naruto? If anyone tries to mess with you they'll answer to me." Naruto nodded weakly, his gaze still locked onto his jumpsuit and lost in horrible memories.

Kakashi exhaled heavily and turned to Sakura and Sasuke, "Who's next?" Sakura and Sasuke both jumped. Now that they had seen what happened to Naruto, neither of them wanted anything to do with this "fixing personal problems" thing their Sensei had dropped on them out of the blue. "Um Sensei is," Sakura started only for Kakashi to cut her off, "Is it your turn? Yes, I think it is." Sakura was immediately very pale and Sasuke breathed a small sigh of relief as what he had come to regard as a terrible impending doom was delayed.

 **Jiraiya-Sensei:** What do you do when you wake up in the body of your favorite Naruto character with all their memories? Start fixing their mistakes anyway you can. When that person you've become is Jiraiya of the Sannin, there's a lot to fix. Then comes that awful moment when you realize you've been written into a fic with an author determined to mess with you... _(This story still needs 3 more interested readers before I go ahead with adding it to my active roster, a fav follow or review will be counted as "interested")_

I rapped on the Hokage's window. He came and opened it when he saw who it was, "Jiraiya! I didn't realize you were back in the village." I nodded sagely, "Weeell I just got here. Took a nap, took a funny turn and decided I want back on the list of Jonin Instructors. I've got a kid I want to teach. I don't care who the other two are, but I'm teaching Naruto Uzumaki."

Sarutobi-sensei blinked at me and I wondered when I had started thinking of him as Sarutobi-sensei as he asked, "And what brought this on?" I shrugged, "Had one of those life changing epiphanies you hear about in books." "And what epiphany was that?" Sensei asked. "That I've been an _idiot_ ," I replied.

Sensei looked stunned, so I explained, "Number one, those kids from Hidden Rain I taught at the end of third world war, Nagato, Yahiko and Konan, what the hell was I thinking leaving them there for Hanzo to find out about and target?! I should've had Tsunade and Orochimaru help me bonk all three of them over the heads and dragged them back with us! Next let's think about how I've been acting around Tsunade. Have you ever seen a guy succeed with a woman that way? _I_ haven't! Then let's talk about the peace I've been striving for. What was I smoking when I came up with that? We're shinobi, we _thrive_ in war, it's _what we do_. If I succeed in creating peace, there'll be no need for shinobi, the shinobi who are left will have nothing to do and the economy of the Hidden Villages would crash as we were reduced to policemen at best."

Sensei was looking at me more than a little worriedly, "You're starting to sound like Danzo." I snorted, "Don't insult me sensei, we both know I could never condone what he does. War and subterfuge though are a necessity for shinobi to continue to exist, so I'm not going to try to act like we could continue without it. I'm also going to track down Orochimaru and kill him, then if I haven't done it by then I'm going after Tsunade and she's bringing her happy little ass back here to either get it in gear or retire officially if I have to drag her by the feet. She's been in mourning long enough, and there've been a lot more people than her who've lost brothers and fiances. They didn't take nearly this long to recover and it's quite frankly embarrassing that she is. She's supposed to be the best kunoichi we've ever turned out, and _this_ is the example she's setting?"

Sarutobi-sensei looked troubled, but I wasn't done yet, "For that matter, what kind of example have the Sannin been setting as a whole? The team genius went crazy and rogue in pursuit of power leaving two of his students dead and one with abandonment issues, the kunoichi of the team lost her boyfriend and little brother in the line of duty and took off for thirty years, and then there's _me_ , the guy who hardly ever takes missions or students and is officially retired to travel around peeping at hot springs like a lonely pervert whose only significant accomplishments are teaching the guy who didn't listen, became Fourth Hokage and died within five years, and writing a mountain of smut that I'm sure makes all the ladies think even less of me. I'm _embarrassed_ sensei, _deeply_ embarrassed and utterly ashamed of myself and my team! I'm setting things right, starting _today_."

I could tell I was making Sarutobi-sensei very uncomfortable, so I grabbed Naruto, who was still in female form but had transformed his (her?) clothes back on and hoisted him (her?) up front and center by the collar, "So first thing's first, Naruto here has mastered _physical_ transformation instead of that illusory disguise crap they teach at the Academy, and he did the two jutsu he's been having trouble with for years in less than a minute when I gave him properly blunt instruction instead of that hocus-pocus spiritual tutorial nonsense they've been giving him at the Academy. The kid's got a lot of potential and I'm not letting him waste it. Hence, I want back on the roster for potential Jonin Instructors, and I want Naruto on my team after he passes the graduation exam tomorrow."

Sarutobi-sensei looked like he had just had just seen a mathematical proof that "up" was in fact neither "up" _nor_ "down", but "slightly more forward than left with a half squiggle twist so that it's pointing to the right". He weakly gave me a thumbs up and an "Ok…" before going back to his desk and hunting the paper work to get me back on the roster.

I stuck around with Naruto until Sarutobi-sensei found the paper work in question. I filled it out, wrote "Naruto Uzumaki" and "Don't care-Don't care" under "List three potential students who you would like to teach", signed it and handed it back with a smile. Sarutobi-sensei told me that there'd be a meeting for the potential instructors that evening at seven. "I'll be there," I replied as I smiled and stepped out the window with Naruto right behind me, "See ya around sensei!"

As Naruto and I bounced across the rooftops, Naruto asked, "So should I call you Jiraiya-sensei now?" "Yep!" I called over my shoulder. "Where are we going Jiraiya-sensei?" "Back to the Academy, I'm gonna interrupt your teacher and give a little lecture of my own. Maybe a test, don't worry you'll pass." Naruto was quiet for a moment and then, "Ok, but it's not gonna be a math test is it?" I laughed, "No way kid, I hate math!"

 **Naruto: Four Gates To Chaos:** When Danzo uses an exorcism genjutsu on the infant prodigy Sasuke Uchiha to banish the ghost controlling his body, the ghost of Sasuke's past life is relegated to the position of split personality as the real Sasuke is finally allowed into his own body. Nearly Road To Ninja crazy AU, lots of surprises, intrigue  & awesomeness galore. Adapted characters from other animes will appear. _(Why is it that this fic, one of the ones I most enjoy coming up with material for gets the least attention? It's Naruko, with characters from Soul Eater, Kill la Kill, Overlord and One Piece scattered around, and an eventual full crossover with Fullmetal Alchemist all rolled into one! How is this story not popular?! Currently 15 chapters in.)_

 _Sasuke_

I casually spun my kusarigama, the entire Ino-shika-cho trio at once huh? Well Kiba was guarding our flag, Shino was retrieving their flag as planned, and this meant that the entire enemy squad was right where I could see them. _And take them all out in one go,_ I grinned.

I saw Shikamaru make a hand sign and flicked the weight at the end of the chain at him like a whip. Choji of course got in the way, but that was better because it let me spring forward and launch them both, and there comes Ino, right on cue. Spin with the chain and gotcha. The chain wrapped around her and with a good yank she flew right into my left knife hand strike, face first no less. I dropped to a knee and slashed the blade through her throat. I turned and threw shuriken into Shikamaru and Choji, nailing them both right between the eyes. "Nothing personal guys," I said cheerfully as red dripped from their wounds, "but I win this one."

The chain was a rope, the weight was a small one wrapped in a sponge full of red paint, and the blade was an L-shaped paint brush. The shuriken were paint balls, and the dripping red was paint. They weren't particularly pleased, but just then I had a bigger worry...

"Hey tough guy, how about a real challenge?" I sighed, of course Ruko wanted to go at it, _again_. I turned and easily picked her out in the tree branches, she wasn't trying to hide. I Body Flickered and was next to her in an instant. She had just enough time to look surprised before I slammed her into the tree trunk. I didn't hold back, I knew she'd never forgive me if I went easy on her. I laid a sponge dagger near her throat, not touching because I knew we'd both be in trouble if we interfered with other teams' missions, "I win."

As you might have guessed, she wasn't happy, "You stink." "I just took out four shinobi on a hot summer day, yes I might be a little sweaty." "That's not what I meant and you know it!" I smiled at her, "I know." Then Shikamaru started singing, "Sasuke and Ruko sittin in a tree!" Ino and Choji joined him for the chorus, "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" I looked down at them, "Shut it you three! You're supposed to be dead!"

I turned back to Ruko and a pair of soft lips pressed to mine. My brain had just enough time to screech to a halt before I got shoved out of the tree. I managed to catch hold of the branch with my chakra and hang there upside down, then Ruko bounced to another branch and hit me in the stomach with a paint ball shuriken. "I win!" She called cheerfully as she bounded away through the trees and Ino, Shikamaru and Choji gaped for a moment before howling with laughter.

I almost lost my grip with my chakra and fell on my head. I wiped the paint on my stomach, red. Not only had she had pilfered _and_ hit me with my own paint ball, she had hit me in my briefly exposed stomach so that it wouldn't show unless I picked my shirt up. I couldn't decide if I was embarrassed, impressed or somewhat confused. I decided on all three and decided to just call it a sign of good things to come.

She denied it later and acted like it hadn't happened, but me and the guys knew, along with I think pretty much everyone else thanks to Ino. As far as first kisses go, that's pretty damn good. It was a lot harder to fight her after that though.

 **Next up, a Fairy Tail…**

 **Fairy Tail Oberon:** AU starring my OC Oberon Williamson and all of our most beloved Fairy Tail characters. After appearing badly wounded in the forest near Magnolia in year X772, he is recruited to Fairy Tail by Makarov and Oby sets out to live life to the fullest and put the ghosts of his past to rest. Everybody's getting new tricks to keep up with an OPMC and the more powerful world they now live in. _(Dunno how many Fairy Tail fans are in the audience, but if you like my work, I do have this for ya! :D Currently 11 chapters in with #12 on the way.)_

"Hey guys we're back!" Macao called as he, Wakaba, Oby and Cana strolled in. "And we brought friends!" Oby added. "So this is a guild," Ur said with a smile, "It seems like a nice place. Awfully hot though." "I feel fine," Gray declared only for everyone to point out that his clothes were once again missing. Oby flickered for a second and handed Gray his clothes with a laugh, "Come on guys, let's go meet- oh hi Master!" Makarov looked the ice wizards up and down and then looked at Oby, "You're not going to bring new recruits in after _every_ mission are you?" Oby shook his head, "Nah, only when there's cute girls involved." Ultear blushed, "Aw!" Gray and Lyon shot him identical dirty looks as Cana snorted irritably and muttered, "Jerk." Oby just chuckled as Makarov stroked his chin, "Fair enough."

Ur raised an eyebrow, "Who said we're joining? We only came because Oby said you had somebody who could help with my leg." Makarov blinked, "Your leg?" Ur knelt and pulled up her pants leg to reveal the icy prosthetic and Makarov started, "Oh, of course! We'll go see Porlyusica right away. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were injured." Ur smiled slightly, "I'm not injured any more. Oby was able to seal my leg up pretty good, but I'd still like to see about a prosthetic that doesn't melt constantly in warm weather." Makarov nodded with a smile as he led her off towards the East Forest, "Of course, of course. I do hope you'll stay afterwards and enjoy a meal or two with us. I'd feel terrible sending you home after you just got here."

Ur smiled, "Well, maybe one night." Then she looked over her shoulder with a bright smile, "Behave you three, I'll be back soon!"

==Three Hours Later==

Ultear sat with Gray and Lyon as they waited for Ur to come out of surgery. Oby had brought them along when Makarov called him to assist Porlyusica in attaching Ur's new prosthetic. That had been an hour ago. Ultear shifted uneasily. She had so recently been on the verge of giving up on ever seeing her mother again because of these two, it felt so strange that she was to be their friend now.

"So, we, haven't really gotten to talk yet," Gray started. "Oby told us how he met you," Lyon said quietly. Ultear's heart skipped a beat, he had told them that he had met her on the verge of running away because of them?! "He said you were about to run away and never see Master Ur again because of us," Gray said as he looked towards the curtains that comprised the "operating room". "That you were afraid Master had been trying to replace you by taking us on," Lyon added as he looked away.

Ultear flinched and then Lyon went on, "I'll admit, for a while I thought that too when I found out about you. Then she took on Gray and I asked her, 'Why did you take him on? You don't need that punk, you've already got me to replace your daughter'." He snorted and rubbed the back of his head as Gray and Ultear stared at him, "I don't think I've ever seen Master Ur that angry. I _know_ I've never gotten slapped that hard. She told me that was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard, that nothing could ever replace her daughter." He shot a glance at Ultear out the corner of his eye with a slight smile, "Now that I've met you, I see what she meant."

Ultear blinked and was immediately a vivid pink. Gray's head whipped around, "Oh sure! Go right ahead and use what we agreed would be an attempt to help her settle back in as an excuse to hit on her! Have some decency ya pervert!" "Says the guy in his underwear!" Lyon snapped back. Gray leapt up, "AH! _When did that happen?!_ " "Keep your clothes on man!" Lyon barked as Ultear realized his own shirt was suddenly gone. "Why the hell did you take your shirt off?!" Gray exclaimed.

"So I can make muscly poses to impress Ultear," Lyon declared as he struck a pose with a grin. A moment later clothes went flying everywhere as they started wrestling and in less than a minute they were both in nothing but their underwear as Ultear suddenly asked, "Oh boys, can you help me find my top?" They both froze, looked at her, realized she was indeed topless, and had identical massive nosebleeds as Ultear laughed so hard she almost cried.

"WILL YOU KIDS SHUT UP?!" Porlyusica exclaimed as she erupted out from behind the curtains, "WE'RE TRYING TO DO SURGERY IN HERE! AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!" Things were quiet after that, but the ice was broken, and by the time Ur woke up the next morning, they were all three crashed out in the living room in a happy dogpile with Ultear on top as Oby snored in a nearby chair.

Ur smiled, "Is everyone at Fairy Tail like this?" she asked Makarov and Porlyusica quietly. Porlyusica nodded, "It's a wonderful place. I don't like humans, but Fairy Tail wizards, for all their rambunctious reckless noisy nonsense are still the best people I know." Makarov smiled, "Aw…" Porlyusica cast a sideways glare at him, "Don't get a swelled head ya old coot."

Makarov's head was suddenly the size of a beach ball, "I have no idea what you're talking about." Porlyusica snorted as Ur laughed and thought, _Maybe this'll be a good place for the four of us after all…_

(bursts out of a drum and waves) D-d-d-d-d-dat's all folks!

(In announcer voice) NEXT TIME, ON KONOHA BLAST…

I patted my newest sculpture with pride, "Remember students, the cake is a lie." Naruto's eyes bugged out at me and he looked at the plate of cake in his hands in horror. Ain patted him on the shoulder, "No Naruto-kun, your cake is fine. Sensei meant the exploding three layer cake that he's going to blow people up with." Naruto breathed a sigh of relief and went back to happily eating his cake.

 **AN** : _To the next son of a bitch who wants to go anonymously posting reviews like the one below, before you even start typing, **go to hell**. I posted this intermediary chapter so that my readers could have something to entertain them while they wait for the next chapter._ _If you don't like it, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. I happen to enjoy writing all of the stories I put promotional chunks of here far more than I do this one, they are all much better developed and further along than this one, and I don't care if this IS my most popular story, PISS ME OFF AND I WILL DISCONTINUE IT IN A HEARTBEAT._

Anon: "Seriously...wtf? This is Konoha blast...not fuck your face with stupidity no jutsu. Write a fuckin story...not a crackpipe hare-brained scheme set of fledgling storylines"

 _To all my loyal and loving fans who I know would never be so rude and asinine as to leave such a review as the one I just deleted, I would like to apologize for your having to put up with my little rant just now, but really, that was just uncalled for. To everyone who voted in the poll, thank you, and rest assured that even if your vote didn't make it into the three BIG missions before Squad 1's Chunin Exams, don't worry, I have plans for each of the options and we will eventually get to see all of them in this story._

 _Again, to all my fans, thank you. You guys (and gals) are what make putting up with the occasional ass like that worth it._

 _See you all in Chapter 4! :D_


	6. Chapter 4: The Art of Baking

Chapter 4 – The Art of Baking

==Four Months Later==

The shopkeeper was pale and trembling as he watched Ain go. He had thought her perfectly sweet and charming until he found out who she was being trained by. He had made the mistake of calling Deidara "the crazy gender confused pyromaniac that hangs out with the demon fox brat?" and found himself breaking out in a cold sweat as his gaze was met by a pair of very angry Sharingans with a handprint burning its way into his countertop. Ain had proceeded to icily pay for the groceries she had bought and walk out with a distinct air of "This isn't over."

Now the shopkeeper ran through his shop checking for anything _anything_ that could possibly ignite, expand rapidly or in any way go BOOM as he cursed himself for his stupidity, _EVERYONE_ knew better than to piss off the Demolitions Corps!

Ain struggled to keep her temper in check as she walked down the street, subconsciously radiating enough killing intent that people gave her a wide berth. _Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts,_ the shopkeepers words echoed in her head and her killing intent cranked up another notch, _THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS…_

Suddenly she found a lit match wandering alongside her. She blinked in surprise and glared at Shiro, "It doesn't work like that." Shiro waved the match out, "Sure it does. It got your attention didn't it?" Ain growled lightly at him as he watched her with a raised eyebrow, "So what did he say that's got you looking like you're about to turn this whole street into a volcanic crater?" Ain growled again, "He insulted Sensei and Naruto-ototo in the same breath."

Shiro nodded, "I see. I'm amazed his shop isn't on fire yet." "I'm still thinking about it," Ain grumbled, "Say something funny." "Hey look there goes a pervert." The silver haired shinobi paused and looked at them over the cover of his freshly bought Icha Icha, "Excuse me?" Ain's expression brightened, "Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi waved lazily, he had wound up being an assistant instructor to Demolition Corps Squad One on more than one occasion as Deidara had asked him to help with their weapons training, "Hello kids. Shiro, just because I happen to enjoy Icha Icha does not necessarily make me a pervert." Shiro grinned, "Nooo…all that stuff you did with three separate ANBU girls _at the same time_ last night does." He clapped politely, "Bravo sensei, bravo!"

Kakashi frowned at him, "I have no recollection of this, and I'm pretty sure I would remember that." Shiro grinned and transformed into him, "I have perfect recollection of this, and I'm pretty sure you're going to have some visitors tonight." Kakashi twitched, "You _didn't…_ " Shiro released his transformation with a grin, "It does seem unlikely doesn't it? The look on your face was worth it though." An ANBU woman suddenly appeared behind him looking very unamused.

Shiro got very pale and Kakashi and Ain frowned at him, "Yes you did." "Shiro!" Ain exclaimed, "That's awful! You should be ashamed of yourself!" "Tell Sensei it was nice knowing him and if I'm dead, Naruto's birthday present is on my nightstand," Shiro called as the ANBU woman dragged him away by the collar, "This actually ended pretty well last time, but I've got a bad feeling about this."

The ANBU woman disappeared with him and Ain looked at Kakashi, "Do you think he'll be alright?" Kakashi stared at the place where Shiro had last been, "Depends on three things. Number one, who he did it with. Very few ANBU would be fooled by a simple Transformation Jutsu, so if he actually had them fooled, then they may torture or kill him to ensure his silence to avoid embarrassment. Number two, is who that was that just dragged him off. I _think_ I know who that was, and if it was who I think it was, then number three plays a much larger factor."

"What's number three?" Ain asked curiously. "How well he was able to imitate me," Kakashi replied, "Just because I didn't do it last night doesn't mean I've _never_ done it. If he was a good imitation, he'll probably be fine and just never do it again. If he wasn't, weeell…he may be talking and walking a bit funny next time we see him. Regardless, he's probably going to be a while." "Talking and walking a bit…" Ain stopped and blushed as the full import of Kakashi's words hit her, "Oh… poor Shiro…" Then the rest of what Kakashi had said caught up to her and she blushed even more furiously, "Seriously? Three? At once?"

Kakashi looked over her at the top of his Icha Icha, "No I'm not going out with you, you're too young." Ain was blushing as red as her Sharingan and steam was boiling out of her ears, "N-no, t-that's not… I wouldn't… I _wasn't_ …" Kakashi patted her on the shoulder, "It's okay Ain, I'm just teasing you." Ain's blush lessened slightly and then returned in full when Kakashi added, "Besides, Zephyr would kill me if I started going out with you."

Ain tried to stammer out some sort of reply and then Zephyr popped up next to them, blowing up a green balloon. He finished and quickly started tying the balloon into something, "So… what did Shiro do?" "He turned into me and had a wild night that he may be regretting right about now," Kakashi replied bluntly. Zephyr actually paused for a moment to stare at him incredulously, "Seriously?"

Ain nodded, thankful for the change of subject even if she was still blushing, "It looks that way. Do you think we should start a betting pool on whether or not he makes it back alive?"

Zephyr shook his head at where Shiro had been, "That guy has to be the dumbest smart person I've ever met…" He tucked the green balloon under his arm, blew up a red one and started tying it around the end of the green one. A moment later he handed Ain a red balloon flower, "Flower?" Ain accepted it with a blush and small smile.

Zephyr pulled out another one and started talking again rather absently and trying to change the subject, "I wonder when we're going to learn some solid clone techniques. Kakashi-sensei, do you know any? I've always wanted to try double teaming someone with clones." Ain blushed so crimson that it was hard to pick out her Sharingan as they activated in response to her massive increase in heartrate, "Z-z-Zephyr!"

"Hey Ain," Kakashi said. Ain turned to him and he flashed through a set of hand signs which she automatically memorized thanks to her Sharingan. Two more Kakashi's popped up next to the first one and said in unison, "Uchiha Clan fire clone. Very useful, and you can use it to tag team people."

"And it's all kinds of fun for double teaming if you can get her to use it," Kakashi added to Zephyr in a stage whisper. Ain almost fainted from embarrassment and it took Zephyr a few moments to figure out what Kakashi was talking about. Then his head snapped around to look at Ain with wide eyes. He held her gaze for a moment and then had a massive nosebleed which he tried to cover up.

Kakashi feigned innocence, "What is wrong with you two? Fire clones are _very_ useful for double teaming one's enemies in battle! Even more so for explosives specialists like you two because they explode when they're popped!" Then he looked at them thoughtfully for a moment and pretended to realize what they had been thinking, "Ohhh…" he frowned at them, "Get your minds out of the gutter. I don't want anyone saying I corrupt children." He turned and strolled off, his nose right back in his Icha Icha, almost immediately giggling to himself as he went along.

Zephyr straightened up as his nose finally quit bleeding, "And people say _Sensei_ is crazy…"

==Meanwhile==

I never knew I was so eloquent and artistic with words until I started trying to bake a cake for my little brother. I came up with many, _many_ new and fun words and phrases as attempted cakes bubbled over, collapsed in on themselves and became very artistic all over the inside of the stove. I tried to make icing for the cake and made gloop the consistency of snot that somehow melted the bowl. Then I made some kind of weird adhesive that took me half an hour to get off my hand and still stuck to _everything_ , and the wetter it got, the _stickier_ it got. Then I made some odd form of quick drying cement that felt like it almost broke my foot when I dumped it out of the bowl.

I made notes of all of them of course so that I could replicate them later. Concoctions that terrible should be weaponized.

==Later==

Itachi looked over at Deidara, "This is good cake. Who made it?" "You're currently eating attempt number seventeen. It was the least artistic of my attempts. I had to get Ain to help with the icing." Itachi nodded and turned his attention back to the party, "Ain is a very good cook." Deidara nodded, "I seem to have created a few new compounds that I'm going to work on weaponizing though."

Itachi looked at him with concerned surprise, "How did you clean _that_ up before the party?" Deidara waved it off, "Oh no, they weren't artistic compounds. I made an acidic compound that almost went completely through the metal bowl I mixed it in, an adhesive and some kind of quick drying cement. Don't know what to use 'em for yet though." "Those last two could be very useful for live captures," Itachi replied. Deidara thought about that for a second, "They would wouldn't they?"

Kakashi slid in through a window, "How did they manage to get Lord Third to play Twister?" Itachi and Deidara looked in unison and saw Naruto, Sasuke and Zephyr playing Twister with the Third Hokage. "When did that happen?" Deidara asked in confusion. " _How_ did that happen?" Itachi asked.

After winning at Twister, Hiruzen sat down at the table with Itachi, Deidara and Kakashi while Demolition Squad 1 and the kids played cards in the living room. "So," Hiruzen said in between bites of cake, "I received a very interesting letter last night from the Mizukage." Itachi, Deidara and Kakashi looked at him in unison. "The crazy Mizukage that likes to kill off his own kekkai genkai users?" Deidara asked in concern. Hiruzen nodded, "That's the one." "What does _he_ want?" Kakashi almost growled.

"He wants to hire Deidara to put down a rebellion," Hiruzen replied. All three Jonin looked at him with concern. Hiruzen fished a stack of papers out of his sleeve, "I would normally never consider helping that lunatic, but half the Bingo Book from Mist is apparently gathered in one place. We could make quite a name for the Demolition Corp if we took this mission, not to mention possibly bringing at least a little stability to the Land of Water for a while and the pay is easily S-Rank since the Mizukage has promised to pay all bounties in full."

The three Jonin took that into consideration and then Hiruzen added, "There is also a strong chance that these rebels might have collected children with kekkai genkai for their own safety. If we can get those children out of the Land of Water to safety and bring them here…" "Then we might be able to make Leaf nin out of them," Itachi finished. Hiruzen nodded, "Exactly. I'll leave it up to you three, but I think this would be a good move on our part, as well as an excellent way for the Demolition Corp to get its feet wet. There's nobody in that stack who should be able to deal with one, let alone all three of you in the event they get in over their heads."

==That Night==

I patted the air next to the extremely large three-layered phony cake I had made to send Zabuza's flunkies with a grin. We had used Icing attempt number 2 to turn the entire thing into a flypaper bomb, so I was making sure not to actually touch it. "Remember students," I cheerfully told the team, "The cake is a lie." Naruto looked at me in horror and Ain patted him on the shoulder, "No Naruto, Sensei is talking about the exploding sticky cake he made to send to the missing-nin. There's nothing wrong with your birthday cake." Naruto breathed a sigh of relief and went back to eating.

 **AN:** _OK y'all, first thing's first. Really sorry this took so long to get out. I know there was a lot of concern after that first Intermission Promotionals chapter that I was just going to drop this story. I'm not. Intermission Promotionals is actually my standard arc transition for my longest running Naruto story and I was really shocked and appalled that it got such a bad reaction with this one. I'm warning you all now, it_ _ **IS**_ _something I'll continue doing. The next one's not for a while, it'll be the divide between parts 1 & 2 (part 1 is Squad 1, Ain Zephyr and Shiro, and part 2 will start at Naruto's graduation to genin), but it IS coming and no amount of complaining will change that._

 _That being said, it's actually not why this took so long to get out. Simply put, I suck at writing birthday parties. I have very little experience with them and what I've got I don't really remember that well, so I didn't really have much to draw on and that makes attempting to write them something of a brick wall for me to climb over with much difficulty. Also, I've been hunting a job and it's very frustrating to have put in dozens of applications, signed up with 2 job agencies and still not have a job to pay the bills._

 _Anyway, the next chapter shouldn't take anywhere near this long to get written. I've already got considerable plans in the works for it and know most of what's going to happen. Expect much art and epicness._


	7. Chapter 5: The Art of Surprise Pt1

**AN:** _First off, I am so sorry for going so long without an update. It's terrible, I'm utterly appalled that I let your wait go on that long and I'm going to try to keep it from happening again. I've recently acquired a job and been going full tilt all day and been too drained of energy and time to get much done. I looked at my stories a few weeks ago and decided that over two months between posts on any given work, let alone ALL my stories was unacceptable and that I was going to try to fix that._

 _So I now give you my_ **HALLOWEEN MEGA MONSTER POST!**

 _We have a chapter of…_

 **= The Kinjutsu 3** , _where we answer the questions:_ _What if Naruto weren't the only one to learn a powerful forbidden technique from the Forbidden Scroll the night of the Mizuki Incident? What if Shikamaru woke up on the mysterious right side of the bed and gave up laziness for a day just to see what happens? What if Hinata suddenly grew a spine a few days before the graduation exam?_

 **= Jiraiya-Sensei** , _where Jiraiya has an epiphany a day before Naruto graduates the Academy and resolves to set the many mistakes of his life right. AU_

 **= Fallen Leaves,** _which is a look at a possible near-absolute-worst case scenario for Konoha. At the end of the Third World War, Stone and Cloud launch a surprise last minute assault with three fully realized Jinchuriki. Six years later, Itachi kills all remaining Uchiha except for Obito and Rin. Now with scarcely two dozen people left in the Village, can Hidden Leaf make a return to glory? Naruto thinks so!_

 **= Fairy Tail Oberon,** _where e_ _verybody's getting new tricks to keep up with an OPMC and the more powerful world they now live in. Please note that there is no skipping between the characters joining the guilds as kids and their adventures as young adults, all the adventures they have between joining Fairy Tail and the start of canon are being explored as well. There will be new villains and threats in addition to those present in canon. Very AU. Please enjoy._

 **And not one but TWO chapters of**

 **= Naruto Vermillion Thunder,** _where Naruto says what needs to be said_ _and knows what needs to be known. He is every bit as wily as the fox whose power he draws upon when things get tough. Jiraiya's been around upholding his duties and Naruto has benefited appropriately. I've taken considerable liberties with the world at large, so the geography, politics & etc are new and I think rather original. By far the most powerful AU-verse I've written._

 **= Konoha Blast,** _where Deidara is recruited to Konoha after going rogue and becomes Naruto's mentor and leader of the new Konoha Demolitions Corps!_

 _ **My other stories will be updated soon as well.**_

 _ **Now without further ado, let's get started!**_

Chapter 5 – The Art of Surprise

==One Week Later==

Jinpachi of the Blast Sword, formerly one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, opened the door to the fortress where Zabuza's forces were holed up, "Yeah?" The white haired merchant smiled, "I hear this is a safe place. I wanted to see if it was true." Jinpachi studied the man closely. The white hair was definitely not dyed, but the beard looked fake, and he was certain there was something off about that skin. "You're not who you pretend to be," Jinpachi declared after a moment as he reached for his infamous blast sword, "Show me your true face or die where you stand."

The man reached up to his face and gripped his beard before giving it a yank. His whole face came off to reveal a mustachioed face beneath it with a large burn scar across one side, "Gimme a break, I'm not a shinobi. I was doing the best I could." Jinpachi nodded, "Very well. You say you think this is a safe place. A safe place for whom?" "Those children who are persecuted for things out of their control," the man replied with a sad look in his eye, "I am a seller of sweets. Those children must be terrified and worried every day. I couldn't simply _not_ bring them something to make them happy."

Jinpachi thought about the man's words and then nodded, "Very well. You may enter." He looked over his shoulder, "Open the gate, we've got a visitor." A few moments later the burned merchant was driving his cart inside under the firm gaze of well over two dozen shinobi. Jinpachi stopped him once he was inside and the gate was closed behind him, "Now that you're in here, we'd like to inspect your cargo. We can't take any chances, and rest assured if you are here to harm those children, you will die here today."

The merchant appeared genuinely offended as he climbed down, "I would never hurt a child!" He pulled two pins from the side of the cart and the enclosed box containing his cargo fell open, revealing a very large cake with the kanji for "surprise" written all over it in icing. Jinpachi called for a fork and plate to test the cake to ensure it wasn't poisoned before drawing a kunai to cut a piece. Jinpachi stuck his kunai into the cake and his eyes widened as the kunai stopped a few inches in and refused to come back out.

The merchant smiled as Jinpachi whirled on him, "You on the other hand I've no compunction at all about killing." Jinpachi reached for his sword and suddenly the cake exploded.

==Outside==

"That's the signal!" Zephyr called from his tree as the sound of the cake going off echoed down, "Take it away beautiful!" Ain clapped her hands together and closed her eyes to conserve chakra by keeping her Sharingan inactive as she willed her chakra into the ground around her. The fortress was very well placed for most circumstances at the top of a large rocky outcrop, but that also made it very vulnerable to Ain's jutsu. "Molten Entrapment!" Ain ordered the ground, and in an instant the outcrop and the fortress on top of it were surrounded by lava.

Ain opened her eyes as she felt the heat wash over her and shuddered a little with pleasure.

==In The Air==

"Let's go!" Deidara shouted with delight as he willed his golem bird into a dive, the strike team, Kakashi, Obito and Itachi hanging on tight before leaping off as the golem bird landed in the inner keep. Obito immediately went intangible and sank through the floor to go and seek out the children they had been sent to find as Deidara, Kakashi and Itachi rushed to confront the shinobi charging them.

In moments another of the Seven Swordsmen had rushed out, brandishing a long thin blade and charging Kakashi. Kakashi leapt over the initial swing and attempted to kick the spindly figure that was Kushimaru. Kushimaru blocked with one hand and attempted to rend Kakashi in two with the other. Kakashi narrowly avoided being disemboweled but still gained a shallow cut in the front of his right thigh. Kakashi pulled a substitution with a guard as he landed and said guard was immediately decapitated. Kakashi gritted his teeth, _Well, this one's certainly not a pushover…_

Meanwhile Itachi was tearing through guards as quickly as a scythe through wheat. He was little more than a blur of shadow and red eyes as he bounced from one target to the next, his blades flickering out like the tongues of serpents. Deidara rushed into the keep and began dropping clay spiders that scurried away into cracks in the weathered stone of the building. Deidara didn't know where he was going, but he had studied architecture enough to recognize the style of the building and analyze where its structural weak points would be.

Currently his spiders were targeting the lesser weak points, the ones that would bring down localized sections of the building. What he was really looking for though was a major load bearing beam. It didn't take him long to find one. Deidara grinned, "What fine art this will be!" Just as he was about to mold a massive explosive snake to coil around the pillar, he heard a faint whistling sound and ducked. Zabuza's massive blade still managed to take off his ponytail. If Deidara hadn't sprang forward, Zabuza's rapid full reversal of his swing would've filleted the explosives master.

Deidara rolled a landing and turned to face Zabuza, "So you must be Zabuza. Sorry, but I've been hired to make your demise imminent and artistic." Zabuza frowned, "Artistic? The only arts I'm concerned with are those of the assassin. Silent Killing for example is one I'm very good at." Deidara would never be able to explain how he knew to jump right then, but if he hadn't, the real Zabuza would've split him in half from behind with one swing. Deidara threw his half formed clay snake and used it as a grappling hook before willing it to pull him up onto the beam he had just been trying to bring down, "You're pretty goo-CRAP!"

A third Zabuza had lunged from the shadows swinging that massive blade and nearly bisected Deidara once again. Deidara threw himself backwards and substituted with one of the Zabuzas on the floor just in time for the third Zabuza to cut the first one in half, revealing it to be a Water Clone. Then Deidara was forced to devote his attention to dancing back out of Zabuza's range as the massive sword blurred into a hurricane of deadly steel.

Deidara Body Flickered just in time to once again send two Zabuza's crashing together, the second Water Clone that had confronted him on the beam had descended and gotten behind him. Deidara crossed his fingers as he reached for his clay that maybe the water clone would accidentally decapitate the original, but Zabuza's skill was uncanny as he flipped his blade into a blocking position. Both Zabuza's turned on him and then sprang as Deidara made his favorite hand sign and detonated the half formed clay serpent that was still on the beam overhead.

Deidara grinned as debris rained down and he finished what he'd been making, "Fire Flies!" He threw the handful of tiny bomb bugs and they immediately homed in on both the Zabuza's. In the instant before they could detonate, Zabuza substituted with a potted plant and recalled his Water Clone. Deidara turned to face him as he set about molding another bomb and saw Zabuza blazing through the hand signs for "WATER DRAGON BULLET!"

==Meanwhile==

Shiro was having a ball. His strongest opponent was doing all his work for him and oh kami he was so easy to goad! Shiro had quickly discovered that even though Jinpachi was a very skilled swordsman and undoubtedly a master of his Blast Sword, he was not very bright. Shiro would've had the sense to use a less destructive mode of attack after it became clear an opponent was skilled with Substitution jutsu. Jinpachi was not so bright though, and Shiro was exploiting that to the fullest.

Jinpachi was far from the best tempered man, and this gray haired brat that could turn into smoke was annoying the hell out of him. The Substitution to trick Jinpachi into hitting his own subordinate with the Blast Sword was bad enough the first time. This kid was doing it every time Jinpachi swung at him though! To make matters worse, the brat was still striking out and killing at random, and on top of that, he was _annoying as hell!_

Shiro grinned as he danced and sang an annoyingly catchy song, easily infuriating Jinpachi who was by this point foaming at the mouth with rage. It was just so ridiculous that he was able to sing "Gangnam Style" and dance like an idiot while using an academy jutsu to take on this many enemies. _I love my smoke body…_ Shiro grinned as he cheerfully let a blade pass through him and stabbed an enemy in the throat before proceeding to do a little dance move to taunt Jinpachi and his flunkies into trying to hit him some more. Jinpachi didn't disappoint and Shiro substituted another enemy into his place in the blast as Jinpachi swung and his blade detonated.

"TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY DAMMIT!" Jinpachi roared as Shiro danced along one of the battlements. "Nope!" Shiro called back cheerfully over his shoulder while shaking his ass mockingly before resuming his song and tossing a guard off the battlement.

==Elsewhere==

Kakashi was fighting for his life as Kushimaru attempted to skewer him. The spindly swordsman had turned the entire area into a massive spider web of razor wire with his sword and now Kakashi was having to attempt to maneuver through it while fighting. Kushimaru was like a spider in its web and the razor wire web didn't hinder him at all. Kakashi's Sharingan was the only reason he hadn't been skewered or sliced to pieces. He'd still had a number of close calls and his clothes reflected them. Kakashi didn't have time to care though, he was too busy searching for an opening to escape and get room to move so he could fight back.

Left, right, forward or backwards, none were any good. Even the ground was littered with razor wire so Headhunter jutsu would just get him maimed or killed. Then just as he was about to be skewered, a thought occurred to him and he had to resist the urge to face palm, _duh Kakashi…_ He flashed through a series of hand signs, "Chidori!"

Kushimaru had just an instant to be horrified as he erupted out of the razor web once more to attempt to deliver a killing blow before it was electrified. Kakashi sighed with relief as he pushed his hitai-ate back down over his Sharingan, "Well, here's hoping I don't have to do that again. I wonder how the kids are doing…" Then he felt a cylinder of pain erupt through his chest.

"You should be a little more worried about yourself," Kushimaru declared, "Did you really think nobody had ever tried to electrify this web before? I use Water Clones to fight inside the web. The real Kushimaru is outside pursuing whoever set up that lava moat to trap us."

==Outside==

Ain cried out in surprise and pain as Kushimaru's blade rocketed through the air and her shoulder, punching through like a harpoon and trailing wire. Before Ain could even catch her breath, the blade had sprouted barbs and been ripped back by the line it was trailing. The wicked barbs caught in the meat of her shoulder and she was yanked along with the blade. Zephyr had leapt to the ground and tried to catch her, but Kushimaru was strong enough that his yank of the wire brought Ain and Zephyr with her.

The two landed on their backs, with Ain on the verge of hyperventilating from the pain and Zephyr pinned under her. Kushimaru yanked his blade free and towed the wire through Ain's shoulder before waggling the suddenly de-barbed blade at them, "What have we here? A pair of young leaf lovebirds?" He cackled, "How sweet! Maybe I should stitch you together! Then you'll never be apart!"

He quickly kicked Zephyr so that both were rolled onto their sides and stabbed them both through the left leg at once before yanking the blade all the way through, still trailing wire. Then he savagely kicked them back flat and tapped the side of his head with the flat of his blade, "Hmm…Ooh I know! I'll take you apart and stitch you back together in inappropriate ways for your team to find later!" He cackled madly and swung at Ain's good shoulder. Zephyr howled in pain as Kushimaru's blade bisected his arm from the palm to the elbow.

Kushimaru paused in surprise and Ain took the opportunity to make the best hand sign she could and launch a blob of lava into the center of the swordsman's back. Kushimaru was promptly set on fire and let go of his terrible blade as he rolled around trying to put out the lava on his back. Kushimaru rolled clear out of sight and Ain and Zephyr were left panting and trying to focus through the pain. "Oh kami Zeph, your arm…" Ain whispered in wide-eyed horror as her Sharingan captured every detail of Zephyr's ruined arm. "Can you burn it?" Zephyr grunted from under her, "Gotta, gotta cauterize it or I'm dead."

Ain's heart lurched in terror, "I'll…I'll try…"

==Meanwhile==

Kushimaru rolled to his feet panting about a hundred meters away furious and panting, "That…bitch…" Then a shiver ran down his spine as a shadow fell over him. Kushimaru had stared death in the face many times, he knew this feeling. He looked over his shoulder and swore quietly as he recognized the shark toothed giant behind him that grinned, "Peekaboo." Then the massive blade came down and that was the end of Kushimaru.


	8. Chapter 6: The Art of Surprise Pt2

Chapter 6 – The Art of Surprise Pt2

==The Outer Keep==

Shiro froze atop the battlements as he heard a scream echo up from the forest below, "That was Zephyr." Jinpachi leapt, "GOT YOU!" He swung with all his might and the resulting explosion nearly brought the outer wall down.

Jinpachi waved the smoke and dust away trying to spot the telltale splatters of blood that would indicate he had finally managed to obliterate the irksome Leaf nin. Then a hand suddenly materialized and crushed his windpipe. The rest of Shiro materialized and Jinpachi's last thought was how very different the young man looked all of a sudden. Shiro's eyes were cold and hard, "I don't have time to play around with you anymore." Shiro ripped the Blast Sword from Jinpachi's hands and turned to the numerous enemies still filling the courtyard.

Shiro made a hand sign, " _Hiding in Ash Jutsu!"_ An instant later scalding ash filled the courtyard and then there was no courtyard as Shiro slammed the Blast Sword into the ground and ignited the explosive powder that laced the cloud. A moment later anyone who hadn't been deafened or incinerated by the blast would've heard through the smoke, "Kemuriton DAI ENRYU!" Those who could still see were horrified as the smoke filling the ruins of the outer keep erupted into the form of a massive dragon.

==Meanwhile==

Kakashi wheezed as he laid atop the wire that had only seconds before been a net, the massive hole in the bottom of his chest leaking blood at an alarming rate. _Well, sounds like Shiro's finally gotten serious. I'll have to leave the rest to the others, I'll bleed out if I don't slow my pulse down._ He weakly made a couple of hand signs and as the light began to fade, _Damn that Kushimaru bastard, I hope the kids are alright…_

==Inside==

Zabuza stumbled as the fortress shook, "The hell was that?" Deidara pulled himself from the wreckage of the wall Zabuza's Water Dragon Bullet had blasted through and the massive blob of explosive clay that had softened his landing began to take form behind him. Deidara smiled, "That was one of my students. Sounds like your one eyed friend outside made him mad. That's a terrible mistake to make."

"So is fighting me," Zabuza declared as he Body Flickered forward and slammed his sword down on Deidara's head. The sword went clean through and Zabuza had a horrible moment of realization as he noticed the specks flying free from the body: the gooey _white_ specks. Before Zabuza could move the clay that had been behind "Deidara" had crashed over him in a wave of goop that proceeded to wash him over to the column Deidara had been planning to destroy from the moment he arrived.

Zabuza fought and squirmed fiercely but found that it was like moving in glue. Deidara walked through the hole in the wall with a triumphant little smirk, "Struggle all you want, that stuff would hold an elephant down. I've gotta hand it to you Zabuza, you're good. This is the end though. Any final requests?" Zabuza thought about it for a moment, "Don't count me out yet, but in the event you do kill me, my apprentice is a kekkai genkai user. She's just a kid. If the Mizukage finds her she'll be killed. My last request would be for her safety. And you?"

Deidara thought about it, "Mmm…I'd want to go out in a brilliant explosion, but I'd arrange that myself, so I suppose in the event of my death I would ask that my friends and family in Iwa and Konoha be informed of my demise and assured that it was the most utterly spectacular art of my career."

"Well," drawled a voice from a window high in the wall, "That's all very nice. I'll try to fulfill both requests after I've killed you, but you know I'm a compulsive double crosser." The color drained from Zabuza's face, "Kisame?" Deidara looked revolted, "HELL NO I'M NOT KISSING YOU! I'M A GUY DAMN IT!" "NO!" Zabuza barked, "Kisame _HOSHIGAKI!_ " Deidara looked at the towering figure that had just leapt to the ground and was resting an immense sword on his shoulder. Deidara backed up to get out from between the two and raised his hands defensively, "Ok, two things, one, if you two are about to start making out then I'm out of here, I do _not_ want to watch that. Two, don't worry Zabuza my team was here to get those kids out of the Land of Water and back to Konoha anyway. Half of them are probably there already. Your last request will be fulfilled. Now then, may these words send you to the afterlife with the peace of knowing you were part of something beautiful…"

What little color was left in Zabuza's face had drained away and he quickly tried to interrupt but Deidara was on a roll and Kisame was about to cut him off and in half, "ART IS…A BLAST!" _**BOOM!**_

==Halfway Across the Fort==

The real Deidara paused as his bomb clone's memories returned and half the fort collapsed, "Hmm…guess I've got another kid to look after now."

==Meanwhile==

Kisame picked himself up out of the rubble of the wall he'd been blasted through backwards, "Ohhh…that one is going to die!" "Which one?" Itachi asked from where he was propped against the wall. Kisame looked at him like he was from outer space. Itachi raised an eyebrow, "Problem?" Kisame blinked. Itachi stared. Kisame twitched and then sniggered. Soon the snigger had grown into a full blown laugh. Itachi just shrugged and walked off to find more enemies to kill, Kisame still busting his gut laughing. Itachi never did figure out what was so funny.

==Outside==

Ain was doing her best to make a one handed sign and summon her lava when a shadow fell over her. Ain's breath caught as the massive blue skinned figure towered over her and Zephyr, "Well well well, what have we here? A little Uchiha and her boyfriend all tied up in the woods?" Kisame's Water Clone grinned as he leaned on his replica of Samehada, "That looks like it _really_ hurts. Ya know what hurts more though?" BOOM.

A massive cloud of smoke and hot ash descended on them and Zephyr howled as Kushimaru's sword slid free of his ruined arm and the wound was quickly cauterized. A moment later the sound of two blades clashing echoed through the woods. Ain tried to see what was happening, but Shiro's smoke screen was laced with chakra, obscuring the sight of her Sharingan so that she couldn't tell anything through it as it blew and buffeted the fight away from them.

If Shiro had been thinking about anything other than the task at hand, he would've wished that there had been some beautiful girls present to watch. He didn't know much about sword work so he was using the long thin blade in a reverse grip alongside a kunai and his jutsu. The massive blade he was confronting couldn't be met head on, but it was just a blade, and against Shiro's Smoke Body, that was about as useful as a wet noodle. The actual Samehada would've probably killed or maimed him on the first collision since his body was nothing but chakra smoke, but Kisame's Water Clone only had a replica, and against the Sarutobi Clan's Smoke Release, a replica simply wasn't enough.

In less than a minute Shiro had turned the smoke around Kisame's head to a sticky resinous mess and the immense swordsman was immediately blind deaf and unable to smell. Shiro sprang back and crushed his chakra laced mist into a massive ball of the same goop. He grinned as he snapped his fingers and the chakra lacing the massive ball ignited, utterly destroying the enemy trapped inside it.

Shiro planted the blade in the ground and knelt to catch his breath and slow his pulse back down. He looked over his shoulder and quickly ran to check on Ain and Zephyr, only to be stopped halfway to them as a massive torrent suddenly crashed down between them. The water split and Kisame stepped out of it swinging his sword menacingly with a savage grin, "Alright kid, you beat my clone. Let's see how you do against the real deal."

Shiro held the blade he had taken from Kushimaru and a kunai in position to guard and his smoke dragon which had yet to disperse and was still lingering behind him, lunged from the tree tops, engulfing Kisame. Just as Shiro made the hand sign to detonate the massive cloud of explosive powder, all the chakra went out of it and the cloud collapsed, coating the entire clearing and earning a shriek from Ain and a bellow from Zephyr as the hot ash fell on top of them.

Before Shiro could process what had happened, Samehada was slamming into his shoulder. Shiro narrowly managed to spring back and thus kept his arm, but the tip of the immense blade still tore through his gaseous body, and in draining the chakra that would allow his body to reform, left a proportionally massive trench from his shoulder to his knee that would erupt with blood flow the instant he released his Smoke Body. It was probably a fatal blow Shiro knew, and if he hadn't substituted as he was stumbling back, he'd have been dead immediately as Kisame swung again. Even having substituted away, if he wasn't able to refill the chakra points Samehada had drained before he released his Smoke Body, he'd lose that flesh when he did. That was the entire left side of his torso as good as gone.

"HA!" Kisame laughed as he cleared the smoke cloud filling the clearing with a swing of Samehada, "Not even tough enough to count as a small fry! You're nothing without that Smoke Body kid!" He leveled Samehada at Shiro, "My sword'll drain you dry and that'll be the end of you! Maybe I'll leave just enough of you for you to watch me shred those little friends of yours over there," he added.

Then Kisame's grin faded for an instant as he noted the instant change in Shiro's face. _Now he's done it,_ Ain thought as she fought to maintain her consciousness through the pain. Shiro pushed his gaseous form back into what approximated a standing position. "You have made me very angry," he declared in a soft but carrying voice, "You're not going to live to regret it for very long." Kisame's grin returned in full, "That's more like it! You're full of piss and vinegar ain't cha ya little shit?! WELL COME ON IF YOU THINK YOU'RE MAN ENOUGH!"

==Meanwhile==

Obito stepped through a wall and frowned as he paused to scratch his head at the large multitude of children before him in the underground room with the very big secure door, "How many kids did these guys have here?" "It's just us sir," said one boy with white hair and pale everything. He had to shout to make himself heard since he was the only one that wasn't screaming "GHOOOOOST!"

"I AM NOT A GHOST!" Obito yelled as he thought with worry, _So who the hell have I been teleporting into Konoha?_

==Konoha==

Hiruzen Sarutobi's eye twitched as he looked out at the lightning raining down all over Konoha as Raiga and Jinin of the Seven Swordsmen's Earth and Lightning clones rampaged through the streets while a very big, very upset six tailed slug fought with Shisui Uchiha's Susano'o, "Oh joy. It's one of _those_ days."


	9. Chapter 7: The Art of the Come Back

Chapter 7 – The Art of the Come Back

==Shiro vs Kisame==

"Ain, Zephyr," Shiro said in a quiet voice, "Forgive me and never for even a second think this was your fault. This was my mission. I took it knowing the risks. Tell Anko I love her and take care of my baby brother for me."

Ain's eyes widened, _What?_ Shiro lifted the Nuibari Longsword and tossed it up into the air. As Kisame's eyes instinctually followed the blade Shiro flashed through a quick series of handsigns, "Shuriken Shadow Clone Jutsu!" The Nuibari Longsword suddenly multiplied into a thousand and Kisame sprang back from beneath the rain of steel. Before Kisame could say anything or act, Shiro spread his arms, " _DEATH CIRCUS!_ "

A storm of silver lights erupted from his body as it dissolved into smoke. Kisame tried to keep track of the hundreds of fist sized orbs of light, but for a moment they were still. Then Kisame's eyes widened as threads of chakra reached out and seized the arsenal's worth of clone blades. It was about the time the orbs started spinning that Kisame realized what he was looking at: A hailstorm of giant sentient shuriken.

He grinned his shark like grin and readied Samehada, "Perhaps I underestimated you." There was no answer, just a hurricane of movement as Shiro attacked. Kisame wasn't one of the Seven Swordsmen for nothing though, "One blade or a thousand, you won't beat me!" he roared as Samehada whirled around him, forming a seemingly solid wall of shark-sword as Kisame proved himself worthy of his title deflecting the seemingly endless storm of blades that whirled around him and tried with everything it had to kill him.

Ain could only watch in shock as Shiro put the blue giant on the defensive, _Who is he?_

==Konoha Ninja Academy==

"Stay behind us kids," Iruka ordered, doing his best to remain calm as he and Mizuki stared down the army of manic looking clones with the tears running down their faces and jagged blades that crackled with lightning. "Oh how sweet," All the Raigas crooned in disturbing unison before declaring as though they were narrating a tragic play, "The teachers will precede their darling students to their funerals! They shall venture unto the darkness to clear the way for the children in their care!" Then they proceeded to laugh maniacally and as Iruka and Mizuki braced themselves for an attack, they found themselves impaled.

The lead Raiga was about to make a remark and then Iruka and Mizuki disappeared in twin puffs of smoke, revealing a pair of logs and the real Iruka behind Raiga, striking a kunai furiously into the swordsman's neck. Raiga #1 exploded in a blast of lightning and fried Iruka only for Iruka to turn out to be a clone as well. Before the remaining clones could react, a barrage of shuriken suddenly erupted from the ground, forcing several of the lightning clones to dissipate harmlessly as the shuriken popped them.

Mizuki erupted from the ground as Iruka dropped from above and they tore into the clones. Mizuki was spinning like a small whirlwind with a pair of giant shuriken spinning in his hands. Everything that entered his range was promptly and mercilessly shredded. He got electrocuted for every clone he popped, but he snarled like a wild animal and plowed on, the lightning coursing through him running into his shuriken and electrifying them.

Meanwhile Iruka was proving himself a master of Substitution as he switched with clone after clone, forcing them to impale and electrocute each other without him having to strike a single one despite the pair of kunai in his hand. He still got scorched by proximity, but he was faring much better than his reckless partner.

The students watched in awe as their teachers dismantled the squad of lightning clones. Within three minutes, all the clones had been popped and Mizuki fell to the ground smoking from his reckless attacks. Iruka knelt to check on him only to be suddenly blasted by a lightning bolt from above as the _real_ Raiga leapt over the fence with a grade-A crazy face to match his killing intent, "Funerals for everybody!"

==Back at the Fortress…==

Obito Kamuied into existence next to Deidara, grabbed him in the middle of sculpting a new bomb snake and teleported back to the room full of children, "Deidara, _watch._ " Without bothering to explain he teleported again, this time to Itachi. He grabbed Itachi from the middle of a large pile of bodies and teleported back to Konoha as fast as he could on top of a building near where Shisui's Susano'o was trying to push a very big and very angry Six-Tailed Slug out of the village. He pointed at the colossal battle, "Itachi, _help_." He Kamuied to the hospital, grabbed the first three panicking doctors he could find and teleported them back to the fortress and the pile of sharp wires an unconscious and heavily bleeding Kakashi was lying on top of. He shoved them at Kakashi, "Doctor-people, _fix_." He teleported back to Konoha and landed in the Uchiha District, which was rapidly being overrun by Jinin's Earth Clones, before summoning half a dozen Wood Clones and grinning wildly as he unsealed the gunbai and scythe he had inherited from Madara, "Obito, kicks ass!"

And off he went, tearing through the village like a vengeful ghost as he tore through clone after clone, searching intently for the original.

==Atop Hokage Mountain==

Hiruzen Body Flickered to the top of the monument where Jinin of the Seven Swordsmen was waiting for him. Jinin looked at him calmly, "Lord Third Hokage, it is an honor to meet you. It is a shame that we have met in such untoward circumstances." Hiruzen glowered at him, "Untoward indeed. You have unleashed nothing short of a full scale invasion upon my home, with a bijuu in tow!"

Jinin shrugged, "It was not our intention originally. I had disguised my clones as children to protect the ones in my care. Raiga did so as well after the rest of us bullied him into it, and young Utakata was never good about staying hidden. When your Uchiha teleported us all here, we decided it would be best to advance our own agenda of dethroning the Mizukage by dragging Konoha into a war against Hidden Mist. It will not matter that we are not acting upon Yagura's orders, everyone will know that the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist and Kiri's Jinchuriki attacked Konoha out of nowhere, and many of them will not care why. They will simply clamor for retribution, and you will have to go to war with Hidden Mist or risk looking weak to the world. How long I wonder would it take Iwa or Kumo to pounce upon you if they thought you weakened by our assault?"

Hiruzen's scowl deepened, "We will not find out. If anything this little gambit of yours will do nothing but backfire. The world will see Hidden Leaf effortlessly push back the Seven Swordsmen and the Six-Tails as well! Then when we have defeated the Six-Tails, we shall reclaim it as our own!" Jinin frowned and flicked both halves of his "sword" into a ready position, "Oh really? We shall see about that." Then his eyes widened as his vision began to blur, "What?" Before he could realize what was happening, he felt something as thick as a man's wrist wrap around his throat and start to squeeze.

Anko Mitarashi walked out from behind him in her ANBU uniform as her snake summon proceeded to strangle Jinin while its paralytic poison rendered him helpless. Anko smirked as the lack of air drove Jinin to his knees, "Thanks for the distraction Lord Hokage. I hear he would've been tough to beat head on." Hiruzen smiled as Jinin finished keeling over and all across the village his clones collapsed into dirt as his chakra expired, "Anko-chan how many times must I tell you that it is perfectly fine to call me Grandpa?" Anko smiled and looked at the ring on her finger, "I know, but I just want to wait until it's official you know?"

Hiruzen chuckled at his future daughter-in-law, "I know. Now come, let's go assist our shinobi down below." Anko grimaced at the Six-Tails, "Not much I can do about the slug, you know how that works. I'll deal with some of the clones." Then a massive burst of killing intent washed over the village and smacked them both in the face like a physical slap. Both their eyes widened in horror, " _Naruto!_ "

==Meanwhile==

Shiro struck at Kisame again and again, his chakra globes generating more blades every time Samehada ate one until Kisame snuffed them out with a direct hit. It was a feat no ordinary swordsman would've been able to pull off, defending against several hundred sentient projectiles at once. The sheer number of the blades was even giving Kisame trouble, a very difficult thing to do indeed. The blades were doing it though, Kisame was covered in as much red as blue from the numerous gashes all over his body, and even the healing abilities Samehada imparted to him were proving unable to keep up.

Kisame wasn't taking his wounds lying down though, one by one, the silver orbs assaulting him were batted away, smoky gray and dark, completely devoid of chakra as they fell lifeless to the ground. Every one of them was a fraction of Shiro that wouldn't reform when he released his Smoke Body if he couldn't recover his chakra beforehand. Within ten minutes of the vicious omni-directional assault beginning, Kisame had wiped the chakra from over two hundred of Shiro's three hundred and sixty one minus however many had been drained by Kisame's initial strike chakra points.

Then all of a sudden, the assault stopped. Shiro's remaining chakra points were dim and seemed barely alive as they reformed into a semi-gaseous arm and one eye across the clearing from Kisame. The eye glared and Shiro's voice emanated from even his drained chakra points as if from a great distance, "This ends now." Then Kisame's eyes narrowly picked out what he had missed in the blaze of light all around him during Shiro's assault: a web of wire left by the Nuibari Longsword.

Shiro suddenly yanked the original blade in his hand and Kisame was instantly constricted and held spread eagled over the forest floor, with Samehada wrenched from his grip and slung into the forest. Shiro's chakra was fading fast as he allowed what little of his body he had reformed to return to floating chakra points and shoot towards Kisame's helpless form.

Kisame struggled valiantly and actually managed to rip a hand loose. He batted away one of the orbs surrounding him and tried to get another one, but by then it was too late. "Boom," Shiro's voice whispered. Then his remaining chakra points glowed blindingly bright and exploded.

When Ain came to over four hours later with Kakashi, Deidara and a trio of med-nin standing over her and a still unconscious Zephyr, Kisame was a blackened corpse hung in a net of wire. "Where's Shiro?" Ain asked as one of the med-nin helped her sit up. There was no answer as Kakashi looked away. "We've only found three hundred and sixty of his chakra points," Deidara said quietly, "They're all burned out. The kids are searching now to try and find the last one. If it's drained, then…" "No!" Ain declared, "He can't be dead! He's, he's _Shiro!_ You know how strong he is!"

"Yes Ain," Kakashi said quietly and unable to meet her gaze, "but nobody's invincible." Ain's eyes widened and then the tears started.

==Three and a Half Hours North==

Haku pulled the little faintly glowing white ball from her pack and looked at it a gentle smile for the first time since she had scooped it up during her escape from the rapidly collapsing fortress, "I'm going to call you...Shiro-kun." She stood up and looked around, "Which way do you think we should go?" Shiro didn't answer, so Haku tucked him back into her pack and took off north, the Nuibari Longsword bouncing along on her back.

 **==NEXT TIME: ANSWERS IN THE AFTERMATH==**


	10. Chapter 8: Answers in the Aftermath

Chapter 8 – Answers in the Aftermath

==Two Days Later==

Arriving in Konoha right after an invasion gave me a plummeting feeling of worry in my gut even though Obito had warned me in advance about it, especially since he didn't know what had become of Naruto and I was acutely aware that our operation was the sole reason Konoha had been invaded. I had a herd of kids behind me, and a sack on my back containing three hundred and sixty ashen gray orbs which had once been my most talented student weighing a million pounds on my heart.

Lord Hokage met us at the gate and all I could do was mutely hand him the remains of his great-nephew. I tried to choke out an apology, but the words wouldn't come as I saw the hurt in the old man's eyes. He looked utterly devastated, even though I know Obito had told him what had happened. I guess being handed the sack was just the final irrefutable proof. All of a sudden, a girl about my age with purple hair in a spiky fan and a tan overcoat Body Flickered up and her eyes lit on the sack.

She covered her mouth and somehow the look in her eyes was even worse than the old man's, "What is that?" I tried to say something but the words still wouldn't come. Old Man Sarutobi looked at her and the look in his eyes said it loud and clear. The girl's eyes went that little bit wider as horrible realization struck her and she sank to her knees, "No…" I finally managed to whisper, "I'm so sorry…" The tears started leaking and oh kami it was awful to see her break down like that.

She buried her face in her hands and sobbed, calling Shiro every insult she could think of and asking how he could have just up and left her. Old Man Sarutobi knelt down and laid a hand on her shoulder after a moment, "There, there, Anko-chan, you will always be my granddaughter in law, even if Shiro isn't here to make good on his proposal." Anko looked up at him with watery eyes and then hugged him and continued sobbing into his shoulder. I watched them sadly for a moment and then I frowned as I realized something didn't add up, "Wait, proposal? Shiro was engaged? Wasn't he too young for that?"

Itachi laid a hand on my shoulder grimly, "I'm sorry Deidara, we were ordered to keep silent. There's not much point now though," he added sadly, "Shiro was one of our ANBU's, no, one of _Konoha's_ best shinobi, and one of my best friends. He was supposed to keep an eye on you in the field disguised as a child. This is his fiancée Anko. They were set to be married as soon as your one year probation expired and Shiro was able to drop his façade. I'm sorry we couldn't tell you sooner."

Just as I was about to ask what the hell, Naruto came bounding up and almost tackled me over with a hug, "Nii-san!" I caught him and let him hug me for a moment before he looked up and I realized he had tears in his eyes. I knelt down, "Naruto, what's wrong?" "I, I saved everyone…" Naruto sniffled, "I saved them and…and now they…they…" he couldn't bring himself to say whatever it was they had done and I shot a piercing glare at Old Man Sarutobi, "They what?"

Old Sarutobi sighed, "The Academy was attacked by one of the Seven Swordsmen in person, as well as an entire squadron of lightning clones. The teachers managed to fight off the clones, but were defeated and almost killed when the original showed up. Naruto tapped the power of the Nine-Tailed Fox to rebuff the attack, and in successfully doing so he unwittingly terrified his classmates. They've been afraid and avoiding him since then instead of thanking him. Naruto is understandably upset."

There was a very strong "does not compute" vibe to that statement. I gave him a level look, "Come again?"

Before he could answer, a much older than I was familiar with him being Shiro popped up out of the sack missing an eye, "WOW that sucked!" Then he reached up, stuck one finger to his hitae-ate and pushed it down over his missing eye. Then he spiked up his hair and pulled a mask up over his face before spreading his hands with a grin, "Who am I?" _POW!_

Anko slapped him so hard his head exploded into a puff of smoke. His head reformed just in time for her to grab him by the lapels and shout in his face, "HOW DARE YOU SCARE ME LIKE THAT?!" "In my defense," he replied, then a girl in blue with long dark hair tied up in a bun except for her bangs darted out of the bushes before pulling up short as she realized where she was and who was standing in front of her, "How do you feel about adoptions?"

The glowing silver orb that the girl had been following zipped across the clearing and slammed into Shiro's face where his missing eye quickly reformed. Shiro rolled his eyes, scrunched his eyes shut and back open and then blinked a few times to make sure they worked. Then his arm stretched across the clearing in a line of smoke to gather the young girl to his side with a smile aimed at Anko, "Because I think we have a candidate if you're open to it."

There were a number of jaws dropped and then Anko slapped Shiro again, but it wasn't nearly as hard that time, "Making me a mother already, shame on you." Then she knelt down and smiled at the girl, "Hi there. I'm Anko. What's your name?" Then her gaze snapped up to Shiro, "QUIT HYPERVENTILATING! MY SMILE IS NOT THAT SPECIAL!" "It is when I almost died a few days ago," Shiro retorted as his breathing returned to normal, " _and_ I get to see my wife and first child for a welcome home? Of course it's special, and of course I'm excited!"

Then he scooped them both up in a hug with a huge grin, "So you're both getting a hug whether you want it or not!"

Naruto tilted his head at the odd scene before him, and he wasn't alone. Ain and Zephyr were exchanging looks that clearly said, "What the f***?" Then Shisui popped up behind us, "Ah, yeah, sorry about that. I planted memories of Shiro in the heads of your entire class during my guest lecture on genjutsu to help with his cover. Sorry, boss's orders. Shiro's been passing everything he learned along to your third teammate Koga."

My head whipped around, "Koga?" I remembered him, kid looked like Obito except really tired and pale. He wasn't an Uchiha though, he just had that complexion. He had been on my list of potential candidates for Squad 1. The only reason he hadn't made it in was because Shiro was more promising and Koga's scores and records said he was really more of a recon and assassinations type.

Then almost as soon as I said his name, he popped up out of a Body Flicker, fiddling with a something or other. He was wearing goggles that pushed his messy black hair up out of his eyes, a beat up gray trench coat over a black shirt and pants looking just as worn out as I remembered. _Does this kid never sleep?!_ I wondered. Then he flashed us a tired looking grin before turning back to his gizmo, "Hi guys, guess I get to join a bit sooner than expected huh?"

Ain and Zephyr gaped at him, "Have you been listening in on us this whole time?!" Koga stuck his tongue out without looking up, "Of course. I've been listening to all of you since I got assigned to this team. You know I'm one of the best sensor types in the village…maybe the world. Don't be offended, I listen in on everybody. Gah…almost had it that time…"

It was then that I realized what he was working on: one of those fiddly little nail and rings puzzles you got at the checkout line sometimes. Ain realized it at about the same time, stalked over and solved it in less than thirty seconds. Koga blinked at it in surprise for a moment and then looked up at Ain with a slight blush coloring his cheeks.

Then it was gone and he tilted back slightly to look around her at Zephyr, "Zephyr, you're my friend, so I'm giving you a courtesy warning. Hurry up and ask her out because if you don't, _I WILL._ " Then he took a half step back so that he was upright as he pocketed the parts of the puzzle with a small smile, "Besides, you've had that crush on her for, how long now?"

Then he looked over his shoulder at Naruto as his smile grew, "Oh by the way Naruto, Sasuke and Hinata actually thought you were pretty awesome saving them during the invasion. Sasuke's insanely jealous and Hinata's just swooning whenever she sees you. She only does it because she's got a crush on you." Then he looked up at the sky and pondered, "I wonder if I was supposed to keep that to myself?"

Then he pulled another puzzle out of a different pocket and quickly rolled it around as his grin grew to almost manic size, probing every inch of it with his fingertips before sliding the one loose piece out, "AHA!" The puzzle fell apart in his hands and he was left with, "A rock." He frowned, "Well that was a disappointing puzzle. If only people were that easy…" Then a thought visibly crossed his mind and he looked at Ain, "Should I be introducing myself to Deidara-sensei?"

Ain blinked in confusion and then sighed in exasperation, "Do whatever you want Koga, I'm tired and really don't have the patience to deal with your neuroticism right now."

Koga grinned as he turned his attention back to yet _another_ puzzle and started strolling off, "I just _love_ how honest she is…I suppose I probably should introduce myself…" He paused mid-ramble, turned around, pocketed the puzzle with a broad smile, and bowed quickly, "Hello Deidara-sensei. I am Koga Kurohyou. You strongly considered picking me for Demolition Corps Squad 1 because of my high marks and extreme interest during your lecture on explosives and other methods of demolition, but you passed me over because you thought my scores more heavily favored a career as a reconnaissance and assassination specialist. You were correct, I _am_ very good at that, but I also have a deep seated love of making things go boom, and Ain and Zephyr aren't so good at stealth, so you need someone like me to balance your team out. I'm going to apologize in…"

He just suddenly stopped mid-sentence with his mouth hanging open and his expression frozen. It was almost as though someone had pushed a pause button on a tv. I stared at him and then he just started back without missing a beat as though nothing had happened, "…advance because I have heard that I am really hard to deal with on occasion and most people don't like me because I'm weird, neurotic, prone to rambling and generally make their heads hurt." He sighed as he took in the look on my face, "I had a weird tic again didn't I?"

"You did that thing where you freeze mid-sentence and start back without realizing you stopped," Zephyr replied bluntly. Koga's head bowed and a depression cloud formed over his head, "I _hate it_ when that happens!"

Ain laid her head on Zephyr's shoulder with tears in her eyes, "We got the crazy guy on our team…I thought we had dodged this…" The depression cloud started pouring rain on Koga's head, "Ow…" He turned and started trudging off, "'Kay…see you guys tomorrow…" Then just as I was about to say something, I didn't know _what_ , but I felt like I had to say _something_ , I couldn't just let him go like _that_ …he paused.

He reached into his trench coat and extracted a yellow envelope, held it up where we could see it and then tossed it over his head and right at me like a shuriken from above. I caught the envelope so easily that I knew he must've aimed it perfectly, and he declared without looking over his shoulder, "Damage report. You would've wanted it in probably twenty-six hours give or take two, so I went and got it for you. The abandoned district was torn up pretty badly by the Six-Tails during the fighting. Shisui and Itachi pushed it there to minimize casualties. Your building is fine, I was able to seal it before it could get flattened. I put it back once we got Saiken under control. Watch your step over there, I've been having a tricky time clearing the debris. There's a lot of nails and stuff if you stray off the path I cleared. Saiken says he's not sorry, but I apologize for both of us." Then he was gone in a blast of chakra smoke.

We all stared in silence at him for a few minutes and then Ain asked quietly with a slightly frightened look in her eye, "Who's Saiken?" "And what did he mean 'both of us'?" Zephyr added.

"The Six-Tails," Itachi said quietly, "He's the one that caught it, by sealing it into himself. We're still not entirely sure how he pulled it off. He's a Jinchuriki like Naruto now." "He said he wanted someone to talk to…" Shisui added quietly as I stared at the spot where the newest member of my team had been and Ain clapped her good hand over her mouth in horror as she realized what she'd said.

I had only one thought, and the censors probably wouldn't let me tell you what it was even if I _could_ properly translate it into words.

 **AN:** _Hiii everybody! Sorry for the long wait! Life has been happening at a very annoying rate here recently and I haven't had much time to write. What I have had has been divided among my many stories and honestly I've been neglecting nearly all of them to a somewhat embarrassing degree._

 _However ideas are like wine, they get better with time, and this chapter is much better than it would've been if I'd put it out a week or two after the last one like I'd originally hoped. So please forgive my making you all wait so long._

 _Originally Haku wasn't going to join Konoha this early if at all, and Shiro being alive wasn't going to be revealed to everyone in Konoha for at least two more arcs. However, I decided that that was a load of horse manure and I didn't feel like doing it. I write as I feel like it and I felt like writing Shiro and Anko adopting Haku._

 _For those wondering, Shiro is actually 20 and an S-Ranked Jonin in the same class of badassery as Itachi Shisui Obito and Kakashi. Anko is currently 19, and Haku is 7, the same age as Naruto. Yes Haku is a girl. Will there be Naru-Haku shippage? Maaaybeee… Will there be Naru-Hina shippage? Maaaybeee… Multipairing? Maaaybeee…_

 _What's up with Koga? Maybe you'll find out next chapter!_

 _Til next time, Ghost out!_


	11. Chapter 9: Hellspawn

Chapter 9: Hellspawn

==That Night==

I nearly jumped clear out of my skin when Ibiki Morino clicked on my lamp. He was sitting on my couch waiting for me when I came in and I nearly blasted the room to oblivion when that light clicked on. I didn't know how that kid had done it, but he hadn't been lying. The building Naruto and I lived in was completely untouched, and it was the only thing within about two miles that hadn't been totally flattened by the Uchiha's battle with the Six Tails. That however did _nothing_ to explain why Ibiki Morino was in my apartment.

"What. Are. You doing. In my apartment?!" I ground out as I tried to level out my pulse and resisted the urge to put my exploding kunai between his eyes anyway. Ibiki didn't even flinch. Then, never taking his eyes from mine, he moved slowly, deliberately, oozing a forbidding aura like he was death itself…to pick up a cup of tea and have a drink.

I face faulted, "WHAT THE HELL MAN?!" Ibiki looked at me innocently, as though he hadn't done that on purpose, "Welcome home. I came to talk to you about your newest student."

It took a second for that to process and then I raised an eyebrow, "The one with the puzzles that Ain said was crazy?" Ibiki nodded, "Koga Kurohyou." I nodded, "Right…" I pocketed my kunai, "Koga…yeah, what's his deal? He seemed a little…" I didn't want to call him crazy, he was my student now and plenty of people called _me_ that all the time, "spacy."

Ibiki snorted, "Good choice of words. He can hear us flawlessly right now. Anything we say, he can and _will_ hear and remember to use against us later." _That_ sent a little disturbed chill down my back, "Come again?"

"Koga is one of, if not _the_ best infiltrations and reconnaissance specialist in the world," Ibiki said bluntly. I raised my other eyebrow as that sunk in. Coming from a department head of one of the Big 5 Village's ANBU, that was some seriously high praise. "You don't say," I replied levelly.

Ibiki nodded, "He has at his disposal a technique which would allow him to singlehandedly _replace_ the entirety of the ANBU Black Ops, possibly all of Konoha's intelligence gathering, theft, delivery, guard and assassination assets, _all by himself_ if he wanted to. That information is top secret, but given that you are to be his teacher, we felt you had the right to know. The kid is _beyond_ dangerous."

I held up my hand and shook my head, "No way. No _way_ can there be someone that powerful at _that_ age. You're talking about one man, not even a _man_ , he's a _kid_ , being strong enough to replace an entire Hidden Village's worth of assassins and spies, not just any assassins and spies, their _best_ assassins and spies. Even the Five Kage haven't got _that_ kind of power! You're telling me a kid less than a year out of the Academy does? How would that even be possible?!"

Ibiki sighed, "We don't know how he's so strong. We can only guess that he picked it up from his mother." I threw my hands up, "Who's his mother?! Tsunade Senju?!" "Close," Ibiki said softly, "You probably know her as the Blizzard of Hell."

My blood froze along with me. _Oh…SHIT…_ _Oh-shit-oh-shit-oh-shit…_ "The Blizzard of Hell? _THE Blizzard of Hell?!"_ If there was one name in Iwa more feared and hated than the Yellow Flash, it was the Blizzard of Hell. Nobody knew who she was, but everyone knew she was the strongest shinobi since Madara Uchiha and Hashirama Senju. The Land of Earth had been lush and green until the Second Shinobi World War, but then _she_ happened. It had been called the Three Year Winter. Even the evergreens had died in that hellish snow. I hadn't been there to see it, but Old Man Oonoki had told me about it…how he and the rest of Iwa had finally surrendered in fear of never seeing the sun shine on Iwa again.

Ibiki nodded, "The very same. She was the daughter of the Second Hokage, and she inherited a mix of his abilities and her mother's, culminating in the strongest Hyoton user the world has ever seen. She was also one of Konoha's most formidable minds, and like her father the revered Lord Second Hokage," he added darkly, "She was _very_ interested in forbidden jutsu, specifically eternal life and resurrection. You may know of our second most wanted missing nin Orochimaru. He drew heavily from the work she left behind. Without her blazing the trail, he would never have gotten as far as he did, and as you can guess, he's never come close to matching her sheer _power_."

I'm not sure if I soiled myself then, but I definitely passed wind because Ibiki nodded, "An apt declaration indeed. We got our first lead on her a few years ago, a sighting in the north of the Land of Fire. We found a lab she had been working in, and _in_ the lab, was a young boy, looking a little too unsurprised to see Konoha ANBU. We know now that he had seen us coming probably a hundred miles off. He greeted us each by name and after he solved his puzzle, he introduced himself as Koga Kurohyou, son of Tatsumaki Senju and someone he called the God of Darkness."

I slid to the ground, "So you're saying…" Ibiki nodded, "Koga may be a plant, and he may be even stronger than the Blizzard of Hell. He is certainly a more clear and present danger. To clarify, when I say he can hear us clearly, I mean he is quite literally sitting in the room with us."

I sat bolt upright and looked around frantically, trying to spot the other intruder. Ibiki laughed quietly, "Oh, you won't see him. He rides on your shoulder, or in your hair, or your pocket…he even told me once he had hitched a ride in my ear as he handed me a box of cotton swabs to clean it." I ran a hand through my hair with wide eyes, "What? How?"

"He uses an army of clones, smaller than fleas," Ibiki told me grimly, "They're a special kind of clone invented by the Second Hokage, but they're even rarer than that because of what he's enabled them to do. They can all relay thoughts to him as they have them, and anything they can hear or see, he effectively can as well. We haven't found any way to circumvent it, and we've been trying for _five years_. He claims he's seeded the entire village, ninety-eight percent of the Land of Fire and at least twenty-five percent of every nation we share a border with. He calls it Plague Sentience because of the way it spreads, and," he added with a dark tone, "with knowledge of a single assassination technique, he could kill everyone his plague is touching, because his hands are on the throats of everyone it comes into contact with."

I think my jaw may have dropped, and I'm certain I was pale as Ibiki continued, "Beyond that, he's managed to infiltrate even the most secretive clan training. If he hasn't learned near every technique in Konoha, he's close. That means his arsenal is as varied as Lord Hokage's, and if he infiltrates other villages, then soon his knowledge will _surpass_ Lord Hokage's. He is quite frankly," Ibiki sat back and seemed to wither slightly, "The most terrifying person I have ever met. You haven't seen him angry yet, but his killing intent is worthy of any Jonin, and the knowledge of what he can _do_ only makes it worse."

"I'm not going to lie to you Deidara," Ibiki said quietly with a faraway look in his eye, "The things you can teach him, hell, even with what he's probably _already_ _learned_ from you thanks to his eavesdropping, he can most likely send the entire world to a fiery grave. In your terms, he could turn _everything_ into the _FINAL_ art _._ If he were to truly go mad, especially now that he holds the power of the Six Tails, it could mean the end of the world."

There was a long silence and then he pulled a file from inside his coat with a grim, hopeless, terrified smile, "This is his file. Being a former Iwa-nin, I'm sure you can agree with the codename we gave him." He didn't even look as he tossed the file on the coffee table. I stepped forward to pick it up and read the blood red words on the tab: _HELL SPAWN._

"I'll leave you with that," Ibiki said quietly as he rose to leave, "Please return it whenever you get the chance, or keep it and update it. He's part of your unit now," then a huge happy grin broke over his face as if he'd finally woken up from a long horrid nightmare, "HE'S YOUR PROBLEM NOW! KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Then he ran out of my apartment nearly screaming with laughter.

I watched the space where he had been for several minutes as possibly the most terrifying thing I had ever seen took its time registering, my eyes insisting to my brain that yes that _had_ just happened.

Then I nearly jumped from my skin as Koga's voice seemed to come from everywhere, "For the record, I am _not_ omnicidally insane." He paused a moment and as I brought my pulse back under control he continued, "I'm not genocidal, or even really all that homicidal. I'm not even really _that_ scary. Really I'm just…" He paused and unless I missed my guess from his tone he was probably biting his lip, "…lonely."

Then he was quiet, and I was left with nothing but a folder and a lot of thoughts racing through my mind.

 **AN:** _Heeey everybody, sorry this one's a little short. It just seemed like a good place to stop. As always, reviews welcome!_


	12. To Be Continued

My sincerest apologies, this one is going on hiatus for a while.

I know what you're thinking, "Oh hell, he's lost interest and given up on finishing." NO. I have not.

What I am lacking on this story is NOT inspiration, it is development of a certain character. So, until said character is fully developed by having his own story told in full, this one won't be continuing in the interest of the two not contradicting each other. As this one comes AFTER the other one, this one must come second.

For my fans (and I still can't believe how many this story has), I recommend to you the story of the character whose story precedes this one:

s/12709317/1/Brilliant-Minds-and-Black-Hearts

Surprise y'all. Multiverse. These aren't the only two involved, so get hyped, because as soon as I can get the others firing on all cylinders again, this train's gonna be going full tilt. Of my nine ongoing _Naruto_ stories, only two or three are not currently confirmed to be included in this little multiverse. As this one is chronologically the last of the bunch, the others must all be finished first. Don't worry, you shan't be wanting for quality in any of them.

Happy Easter everybody! (Or if you don't do Easter, then Happy April Fools Day, the above is not a prank. The following is.)

...

...

Itachi blinked and fanned the smoke from the small box away. It was then that he noticed a mirror in the bottom of the box labeled APRIL FOOLS DAY. He examined the mirror with a blank expression for almost a full minute before pulling his ponytail around to examine. His very very PINK ponytail. Itachi smiled in a way that sent everything which could see his expression bolting for cover.

"DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIDAAAAAARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Deidara almost fell off Hokage Mountain as he rolled around laughing his ass off.


	13. Or Not

Hey everybody, this is the author. For those who did not know, this story was supposed to be a _one shot_. It has had ZERO inspiration behind it, it is a total chore to write, and I actually _really hate_ this story because of how much of a pain in my ass it is.

Now, I was going to try and suffer through to bring you all the most epic finisher possible for not only this story, but the giant crossover that I'm really looking forward to as well, because I know how many people like this story.

However I have now received a complaint about putting this one on hold to make it as epic as possible. That is **_THE LAST STRAW!_**

I've had it.

No more.

This story has been nothing but a thorn in my side, now I'm pulling the sonuvabitch out! This story is as of right now

 **DISCONTINUED.**

That's it, it's over, no more Konoha Blast will be written and I'm tempted to wipe it from my account and hard drive so I don't have to see it anymore.

Before anyone starts complaining, no, my mind can **NOT** be changed on this matter. This story is gone done dead and if I see a zombie that even begins to look like it I'm throwing its ass into a black hole!

Oh, and to all the grammar Nazis out there, **_BURN IN HELL!_**

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

Well, that's the end of that.

 **THE END**


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